Chrit-mas Recap

I know you're dying to hear about our Christmas vacation and all the Sandi Patty Christmas CD's I made Sarah listen to - YUM!

Ok, so our Christmas celebration started (for me) on the 21st. This was the evening of our church Christmas musical, "All Bow Down." What a fantastic job the choir did. It was unbelievable!!!! I was so, so, so proud of them. We sang to an almost full house, which was very encouraging. I still can't get over it. My dear friend Melanie came over from Pensacola to sing one of the "big" solos and she sang the house down. What an amazing job she did.

On Monday night, we all headed to my parent's house. By all, I mean: my parents, me, Sarah, Celie, Mammaw and Nanny. We had a delicious dinner and then opened presents. Mammaw and Nanny both gave me money for day after Christmas shopping. My mom was very cleaver this year with one of her gifts to me.

In addition to completing my Barefoot Contessa cookbook collection (she gave me the last two I needed. Now I'm on my way to being the size of a side of a barn), she also gave me a Nintendo DS. Now, those of you who know me know that I am not into the "gaming" world. Except for a little Tetris every now and again, I typically do not get excited about gaming. Needless to say, I was a little confused by this gift until I opened the next present. A COOKING GAME!!!!!! Not a cooking game like, "who can beat egg whites to stiff peaks the fastest", but actual instructions. And better yet, it's voice-activated. You just set up the Nintendo on your counter and start cooking. You say, "continue" when you're ready to move to the next step. It's super cool. I was looking on Amazon and saw that there are several different recipe-database-type games for it. Totally cool. She gets the award this year for most creative gift. She also gave me some cologne and a casserole dish made out of bathtub porcelain. It has a guarantee for nothing to stick - we'll see about that.

We left for the in-laws on Tuesday. From my in-laws, I was given a personalized branding iron (so all my chicken, steak and pork loins will have my initials on them), an apron with my name on it, some cupcake accessories (oh, my grandmother also gave me a cake decorating turn-table - it was actually much needed) and a couple of polos. I'm not listing all my gifts because that just looks gratuitous, but you get the picture - I was a good boy this year.

On our annual day after Christmas shopping trip was where all the magic happened. I basically only wear two brands of shirts: Lacoste and Brooks Brothers. You have to be careful with Brooks Brothers because you can easily look like your 65 on a golf course. They love pleated pants with high waists, herringbone, madras, sear sucker and cashmere, but you CANNOT deny the quality of their shirts. WOW. They are made to last a lifetime. I will forever buy them. They are pricey, but worth every penny in my opinion. There is a division of Brooks Brothers called, Brooks Brothers Country Club. If you can imagine, it's even more expensive than the traditional BB store. There's one in Destin and the merch is amazing. Ridiculously priced, but amazing. So on our way out, Sarah spotted a really really nice shirt. She picked it up and was like, "This is really nice, you should get it." I looked at the price tag and thought she was joking because it was $135.00. We knew it was on sale because the entire store was, we just didn't know how much "on sale" it was.

When I took it to the register for them to price check it, guess how much it was????????? $9.08 and that was WITH TAX!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it????? Nine dollars. The cotton alone was more than that. It's so nice. Thanks to Sarah's good eye for seeing that deal!

Celie had fun. Not in the "ooh, it's Christmas" kinda way, but in the "ooh, there's a lot of paper on the floor and I think I'd like to eat it." She was a trooper and did wonderfully the entire time. She had fun getting to know her cousin Lylah (who has the single largest vocabulary of any 18-month old I know). Of course, this is the same cousin who gave everyone in the house the stomach bug. Thank you Lylah. Lylah gave it to Jenny who gave it to Sarah who gave it to Phil who gave it to Glen who gave it to Jonathan. Who even knows if the other siblings will get it. It was a trip.

I wish you could have been on the ride home with us. Me driving. Celie in her car seat in the back. Sarah next to her puking in a garbage can and moaning. What a sight!

Everything seems to be all back to normal now. Well, let's hope so anyway.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

I Love Sugar

I often wonder if you can become diabetic over a single Christmas holiday. If you can, I think I'm headed that way. I feel like I have eaten more sweets in the past few weeks than is legal. One sweet of note that has changed my life completely is the Caramel Pretzel Rod. I typically don't like the word "rod". I'm not sure why. It ranks up there with: "moist", "sop", "ahight" or all right, "amazing" and "fabulous".

Anyway, this pretzel stick - the full size version - was dipped in caramel, then milk chocolate, then white chocolate, then drizzled with more milk chocolate that is colored red and green. The whole time this basket of goodies came in, I was eyeing this pretzel, but I thought it was peppermint because a chocolate blob that looked very similar was peppermint and I thought, "gross, peppermint and pretzel makes me want to kill myself." Well, I bit into it and the rest is history. I called the company that made them to see if they stocked them all the time. As all things that work together for good for those who love the Lord should happen - they do!

December is almost over. I truly cannot believe it. We have been finished Christmas shopping for a while. We still have to pick up a "little something" for a grandmother and mother, but that we can find here locally. I can't believe it's almost 2009 and Celie will be one! Wow.

This Sunday is my Christmas musical, All Bow Down. It's going to be so great. Well, I pray (in Jesus' name) it is. The choir has worked so so so so hard this year. I hope I haven't been too bad of a slave driver.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas if I don't post again, and let's face it, I probably won't.

Some random things I'm thinking about today:

• I hate the smell of tootsie rolls
• I need to get 9-volt batteries
• I wonder what straight corn syrup tastes like
• I want today to be over
• My head hurts
• Chick-fil-a is from Heaven
• I want a smoothie
• and General Tso's Chicken

RIP - Beau. Major Beauregard Everett White

We'll miss you!

I'm At Death's Door

A quote that I've heard all too many times. Sarah can be a little dramatic when it comes to being sick. You see, she always feels like she's "coming down with something." And there's always the "I think I'm getting sick because my throat is sore." I mean seriously, if I've heard that phrase once, I've heard it a million times.

Picture this, Fort Walton Beach, FL, 1986. A young Sarah Blazer "injured" her ankle. What's a girl to do you ask? Well, try wrapping her foot in an ace bandage - except wrapping the ace bandage on the outside of the shoe. Clearly still injured and dissatisfied with her own medical response, Sarah did the only thing she knew to do - Create her own cane/crutch with an unused shower curtain rod.

Sarah's mother was on the phone with her church's prayer group listening to the day's needs when she saw her very medically resourceful daughter hobbling out to the bus with her make-shift crutch and ace bandage shoe. Of course, she was made to relinquish the crutch and un-bandage her shoe, um, I mean foot.

I tell you this story to tell you that Sarah has been under the weather since Saturday evening. We're not sure if it's the same stomach bug everyone else has battled or if it was a reaction to her dinner at Moe's (Welcome to MOE's!!!!). I'd like to say that I never eat there as I think it's disgusting. Nonetheless, there's been a lot of moaning and groaning (a common trademark of any of Sarah's sicknesses). You can be mid-sentence with her and all of a sudden you hear this hibernating bear sound. Here's an example....

"So church was good today. There were a lot of visitors and everyone said they really enjoyed the [ooooooooooooooooooh, mmmmmmmmmmmmm, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh] music.

Then she tends to flop around - much like a fish. She'll roll one way, then the other, then curl up into the fetal position all while still moaning. You can easily find that she's set up camp in the bathroom. I walked in there while Celie was sleeping and I found Sarah. Leaned up against the wall. Beside the toilet. Moaning and groaning.

It's a sad sight.

I try to play the food game with her to see if anything sounds good at all. I name things that I know she loves and things that I know she hates. She responded negatively to all food options tonight. I brought her some ginger ale from the store and she's currently watching TLC (big surprise) "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

Even amid all of Sarah's dramatics, moaning and groaning, she still makes Celie her #1 priority and she does such a great job with her - but trust me, she let's you know it.

Talk to you later!

Random Update

OMG - Suzanne keeps bugging me about updating my blog. I think she's an addict who goes through withdrawals if I don't keep a completely updated blog for her. I bet when she gets into work she immediately starts drooling wanting her next fix of Sevenminuteicing and then she gets here and, as usual, it's not updated. Then she probably goes into a mad, British rage - swearing and throwing things and then leaves me nasty comments about updating.

Then I bet she calls Marcy over at TDC and then they have gripe-fest over my blog. You see, Marcy is also very addicted to my blog. I bet Marcy walks out onto the porch of her ivory tower and yells over to Suzanne, "Can you believe he hasn't updated today?" Meanwhile, Suzanne starts texting Alma, who only wants to ever eat at Peppers which is surprising because Alma always completely offends the staff there because she refuses to speak Spanish to them. They just look at her like, "Ummm, aren't you going to say gracias?" but she doesn't. Then they walk away angry. I think she enjoys hurting them. Her excuse is something about only having "white girls" in her classes in school. So apparently if you're around Alma and you're white, you make it impossible for her to speak Spanish. I guess white girls are like kryptonite to her.

I'm obviously kidding about all of this (except for Suzanne's addiction). Although we all are going to Peppers today, so I'll report back if Alma speaks the Spanish to them! I bet she doesn't and ticks them off again.

So, if you follow Sarah's blog as so many people do, you know that we took Celie to her 9 month check up. She's doing great. She's obviously going to model once she's 13 (just like Miss Tyra) because she's so tall - and gorgeous. Anyway, her ears looked perfect (no ear infections to date -yay!). She's obviously developing at a faster rate than most commoners - lol. Have I mentioned how chatty she is? I'm telling you, once this baby gets going, there's no shutting her up. Now she's not saying words like "serendipity" or anything, but she is a communicator!!! I'm so glad that we've almost gone an entire year and she hasn't been sick yet. She had a slight little cold a couple months ago, but I'm not classifying that as "sick". We are fortunate for her great health - and guess what - she was only breast fed for 3 months. I know SEVERAL 100% breast-fed babies who are ALWAYS, ALWAYS sick. ALWAYS. So whatever La Leche League!

Dr. Curry (our wonderful pediatrician - seriously, we love this woman) commented on what a great disposition Celie has. I'm glad other people recognize that. Of course as parents you think you're child is the best, cutest, smartest, happiest, easiest child of all - but typically in reality, that's not the case. So I'm glad that other people think Celie is so well-mannered and happy. Not to mention she's ADORABLE!

I'm moving on to a different subject now

I'm going to list some random weird things, just informative points, that have been in my mind recently:

1. Just because I have a baby now still doesn't make me interested in yours. There seems to be some unwritten rule that once you have a baby, all you do is talk baby and want to see other babies. Yeah, not me. I could still care less about your baby. No offense, of course, just keepin it real.
2. Stay At Home Mom seems to be a buzz-word these days. We've been watching a lot of TLC for some reason and I swear every other phrase is "stay at home mom". If I hear it again, I might kill myself. I have nothing against stay at homers. My mother was one, as is my best friend, but good lord. Yes, it's a hard job where there's rarely any downtime, but I think it's almost harder to be a working mom. I'll say that it's definitely harder emotionally. So, if you're a TLC producer reading this blog, can we focus a little less on the SAHM phrase? Thanks.
3. We've had some great financial things happen this month. I'm not bragging, but I'm very very very thankful for them.
4. I really want to get "a lot" of money for Christmas (a lot is defined as $300 - $400) because I'm dying to spend it all in Brooks Brothers.
5. Celie is really funny
6. I can't wait for my grandmothers to see their Christmas present from us.
7. I really want to loose 75 pounds.
8. I really want chocolate cake.
9. or some Tirmisu.
10. Please pray for the Christmas musical at LABC on Dec 21. It's such great music, I want the choir to be in tip top voice for it. We only have 2 more rehearsals and I need it to all fall into place.
11. I only planned a couple of Christmas songs for this Sunday's service - get over it.
12. I'd give my eye teeth for some of my Mammaw's fried shrimp or shrimp salad.
13. I've recently become addicted to making breads. If you have a breadmaker you never use, please give it to me.
14. I want to build a new house.
15. I want a black Yamaha upright piano.
16. I'm cold.
17. I love the color yellow.
18. I don't know why I get so concerned with the "real" friendships of TV show casts - it hurts my feelings sometimes to know they don't get along.
19. I had BBQ last night and it set me free.
20. I kinda what another puppy.

That's all for now.

The Dancing Queen and Cher

Celie loves to dance. Celie actually loves music period. She's the only baby I know that points to her iPod and docking station and waves and smiles at it until we turn it on. Before I continue, let me clarify something. Yes Celie has an iPod and a docking station. It was the one Sarah had and we put a bunch of stuff on there for the delivery room and for Celie, etc. So now, it's officially Celie's and Sarah is getting a new one for Christmas.

Anyway, my child loves music. As she should. Both of her parents are both very musically inclined. There are certain songs that we sing that really gets her all fired up. She hops up on her knees, pumps her arms up and down and puckers her lips and breathes very rapidly and loudly......this all translates to dancing (it's very similar to how Sarah dances as an adult). So, these songs include:

"Say a Little Prayer" - from My Best Friends Wedding
"Toxic" - by Brittany Spears (we only know the chorus)
Sarah's version of "If I Could Turn Back Time" - originally performed by Cher (not kidding).

"Are you that Somebody" - Aaliyah

"Everybody Came" - Ambrosia Parsley

Now, let me stop you for a minute and revisit bullet point number three. Yes folks. Sarah does a Cher impersonation. It is, by far, the funniest and saddest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. She was really workin' it out today during Celie's bath time. I mean, she did the key change on ...."if I could reach the stars" and everything. To give you an idea of what it sounds like, please picture an eighteen year old, drunk, drag queen. That about sums it up. When she started singing it today, I almost wet my pants. I was laughing so hard, I thought there was a possibility I could pass out. She's got the vibrato down to a science.

I beg you, if you see Sarah in the next week, please ask for a short rendition of THE CHER. You will triple-love it.

If you read Sarah's blog, you already know that we have extreme musical differences and we're trying to allow Celie to experience them all. I focus her on the great singers of our time. The Josh Grobans, the Whitneys, etc. as well as a lot of Contemporary Christian and Choral pieces. Sarah likes to focus Celie on instrumental pieces, mostly classical, along with folky-rockers like Jason Mraz and the singer/songwriters like James Taylor, Paul Simon, etc. (gag). Then......you have my mother. AKA MeMe. She loves to let Celie listen to the Southern Gospel. Now, I grew up on this music, so I know a lot of it. My mother is already convinced that Celie just loves her some Southern Gospel. Watch out Bill Gaither.

I'm really hoping that Sarah will give me another Cher concert before we go to bed. I'll need to make sure I've already gone to the restroom this time. I really hope she does the key change too. She tends to overshoot the key change by about two keys, which is a whole different story and one of my MOST favorite games to play with Sarah: "Fill In The Harmony." If ever I need a laugh, this is a go-to game. It's a long story, but I'm willing to tell it now.

Sarah is a trumpeter. Therefore, she basically only knows melody - period. I am a pianist and singer, so I, of course, know harmonies and love to sing them (ad nausem). When I am bored, I will start singing a song and then tell Sarah to start singing the harmony. Sarah will immediately default to about three octaves lower than what I'm singing. I think she hears "bass" when I say "harmony". It is THE funniest thing ever. It's like a one-note monotone bass note the entire time.

I'm always confused by her interpretation of harmony and then I love to sing the actual harmony for her and have her sing the melody but then that just ends up in a big mess where she's about a half step from where I am and it sounds very very sad.

Ah, the games we play.....we're dorks, but we have a great time together!!

Not a Thankful Post

For those of you who don't know, Sarah is an Mexican Princess. She's straight out of the Mayan empire. Ok, so that might be extreme. She may as well be because girl could eat Mexican food for every meal, every day of the week. I mean, when I'm debating on what to cook for dinner, Sarah's list of choices include: fajitas, enchiladas, tacos (Lord, the tacos), tostadas, etc. I mean, I like a good Mexican restaurant, but everyday?

While Sarah was pregnant, she put away some Mexican food. I'm not saying she was constantly eating because she wasn't, she actually lost weight during pregnancy, but if there was a meal in sight, it was almost always Mexican.

She loves guacamole. I think it is the most tasteless mush I've ever had. Lucky me, Sarah has passed this "disease" on to our daughter who is now a Mexican herself. Celie is super well-behaved in restaurants. She sits quietly in her chair and plays with her toys and eats when it's time to eat. We all went to the local Mexican restaurant in St. Joe the other night and since we'd given Celie some avocado before, I thought, "I wonder if she'll like this guac?"

That was the understatement of the year. She devoured the guac and rice. Loved both of them - unconditionally. I've never seen anything like it. Perhaps it's because the guac has so much flavor yet the consistency of something a toothless person would like. She would get all put out if I didn't keep shoveling it in.

Sarah has created a monster. I've already paid Peppers for a year's worth of their rent from our pregnancy, could it be that I'm going to send all their children to college too?

I can't wait for the rest of the week as Celie's taste buds are further stimulated by the food. Granted, she's not eating stuff like sweet potato souffle or pecan pie. (That was a not-so-subtle hint to Celie's MeMe who for some reason thinks my 9 month old baby needs ham hock collard greens and birthday cake.)

Can't you people see where that has put me in weight class??????

More on Celie's food adventures later.

Continuing to be Thankful

I'm so thankful that the AMA (American Music Awards) were on last night. Why? Because I needed a good laugh and NKOTB (New Kids on the Block) provided just that - as did a few others.

NKOTB's performance was a complete and total humiliation. As I sat on the couch, I found myself becoming embarrassed for them. They looked like a bunch of 42 year old dads trying to dance around. I loved it. Some record producer must have been really bored or is secretly on a reality show and NKOTB just doesn't know it yet.

Other humorous points:
Rhianna's dress
Miley Cyrus' performance
Several drunk or high presenters
Christina Aguilera's bangs
Jimmy Kimmel's blatent jabs at the attenders

A Thankful Lull

I've broken my commitment to you, my readers. I vowed to blog everyday something for which I was thankful. I failed. The only blog I wrote was on Monday. So now I need to catch up.

A lady at our church (and my co-worker) became a grandmother for the first time on Saturday. She was so very happy. Her new grandchild was born five or six weeks early, I can't remember which. Although he is fine and breathing on his own, his lungs were not fully developed at birth. A typical response to this is steroids, which they are going to start. He has been in the NICU since Saturday.


I have to tell you, if you've never been in a NICU, it will change your life - forever. I remember back to when Celie was there. Those first few moments after her birth were the scariest moments I can remember to date. As she was whisked out of our room, we just sat in silence. I was completely nauseated and worried. I was worried about Sarah and what she was feeling. I was worried about Celie and how she didn't choose to come into this world, but was given to us. We felt like we knew her already. Her personality in the womb was very accurate.


As I visited the NICU for the first time, I saw my daughter in the plastic, newborn carrier/bed thing. She had IVs in her head and arm. There were monitors hooked up to her all the time. At times, I was more focused on what was displaying on the monitors than Celie. I remember saying, "Oh look, her oxygen level is at 99%....that's good right?" Meanwhile, my daughter who didn't know me, was like a science experiment. It's crippling. There's nothing you can do. You can't comfort her, you can't reassure her; all you can do is look at her and hope she knows that you love her with all your heart.


It was so hard for me to be expressive in the NICU. There are babies all around you who are struggling to survive - to breath. There are couples in there, just like us, looking at their babies. Some babies weren't allowed to cry because they could get to carried away and could loose the very breath that they were struggling to maintain. It's a sad, sad, place. Every time I left, a knot grew in my throat. I didn't want to leave her. I wanted to sit there and watch her, but I also needed and wanted to be with Sarah whose emotional state at those moments I know I will never fully understand.


There are only a few times I've ever prayed as hard or as frequent as I did in the hospital. It's all I knew to do. Nothing happened the way we planned. I felt like a charity case and a drug user because my daughter was in the NICU and it wasn't her fault. It was just the way it was supposed to happen.


If something would have happened to Celie, I would have been devastated, but I would have been so thankful that the Lord let us experience this kind of love for even a short period of time. We have to remember that we are not in control, the Lord is in control of everything in our lives. That was never made more clear to me than on Feb. 23, Celie's birthday. He used this to break us and then to mold us as His power was shown through Celie's healing. I will never ever forget when the Neonatologist told us she was going to be just fine and coming home with us just like nothing bad had happened.


Thank you Lord for your sovereignty, your answer to prayer and the precious gift of life we should be so honored to create. We've given Celie back to the Lord in her dedication ceremony and I pray for her salvation every single day, that the Lord will make himself known to her so she too will come to know Christ the same way her family does.


Celie is at home now with her MeMe being as mischievous and full of herself as possible. She is out of control and the most precious gift we've ever been given.


We love you Celie!


Mommy and Daddy

Kinda Thankful

I've been meaning to update you on a recent move. If you've been a faithful reader of Seven-minute Icing for some time, you probably remember the post "The Office". To recap, this post was about my unfortunate office placement in the building - directly across the hall from both restrooms. Well, something has happened.

I'VE MOVED!

I moved offices a while back. I am now on the 1 1/2 floor - all by myself. It's the greatest thing in the world. I'm the only office in the entire building that has a window, and this window is huge! My desk sits directly in front of it. The sun fills the office in the morning. I can also watch people driving up and down Long Ave. I thought that was going to be a real annoyance, but it's been just the opposite. I am near no one. Absolutely no one. To get to my office, you have to walk to the back of the building, up 24 marble steps and down a long marble hallway. I keep saying marble not to sound impressive, but to say I always know when someone is coming.

Gone are the days when I hear restroom noises. Gone are the days when I fall prey to Chatty Cathy or Gossiping Gloria (although I do kinda like it when she comes around - ha.). No more weather talk, talk of the election or the constant questions about what Celie is doing. Nope, I'm all alone in my little nest. Everyone keeps saying, "but you're all alone up there...do you like it?" I say to them, "uhhhhh, yeah, I love it actually."

People probably forget I'm here half the time. The only downfall.....the restrooms! I guess they're going to be the thorn in my side as long as I office in this building. Now, it's a bit of a trek to get to them. I can't just be-bop across the hall and be back in 30 seconds. Now I actually have to set aside time to go and come back.

That's ok though. I'd rather walk a few extra feet per day than hear the melodic tunes of someone having a blow-out.

I'm thankful for my new office!

Thankful for __________.

Today, I am thankful for

Senses of Humor

I tend to surround myself with people who have pretty intense senses of humor. I like them all: the dry, the slapstick, the bitter, the quirky.....all of them. I get a kick out of people who can use humor in their words. Sometimes I can just laugh at the way people phrase things. They may not even be trying to make me laugh, but they do.

Sarah has a very good sense of humor - which is a good thing since she falls prey to many of the butts of my jokes/antics/pranks. I get the biggest kick from Sarah because at times she can be the most ridiculous person I know and I have no choice except to laugh at her. For example, you may have read about Sarah's ingrown toenail (I never knew I hated that word so much until I had to type it). I am no surgeon. I am no Dr. I am not fascinated by the health care industry or biology. With that said, Sarah wanted me to help her with this toenail issue. I have lived with ingrowns my entire life and it's not a nice picture, my feet are, but this issue is not.

So as Sarah sits atop the vanity of our bathroom, I warn her that the next step could be painful. Her reaction was not only confusing to me, but borderline hysterical. I mean, I didn't say to her, "I'm sorry, but someone is here to take Celie away from us forever" or "I hate to tell you this but I was involved in a drug deal and now I'm going to jail" or "All of your relatives were just killed in a car accident while they were in a caravan to the Grand Canyon." Nope - nothing like that, but her reaction was the same.

She begins shaking, sobbing and doing the ugly cry. You know the ugly cry, when your lips get all swollen and you have to only breathe from your nose because your lips are so tightly puckered, but that to is complicated because your sinus cavities have just released a river of nasal moisture and when you open your mouth finally, all that comes out is a very high-pitched tone that fluctuates going sharp to flat? Yeah, that's what happened.

I was so very confused. Drool was seeping out of the side of her mouth, snot coming out of her nose, her face was as brilliantly red as a freshly polished apple and all she could do was make this strange sound that mimicked the sounds of whales under water.

I say to her, "what is wrong with you???" She says to me, "It hurts."

That's it....."it hurts." I mean, I've had these things my entire life and I've never been driven to "it's the end of the world as we know it" kind of crying. I started laughing because it was the most flamboyant performance I've ever witnessed....and that's saying a lot because I watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta. She was completely out of control and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

By this point, I'm laughing so hard that I think I tee-tee'd on myself a little bit. I gain composure and request that Sarah do the same. Once she becomes moderately coherent, I have no choice but to begin talking about how her toe could get gangrene and fall off - (I couldn't resist). Then the wailing begins all over again.

I say all this to say that Sarah has a great sense of humor and there's no one on earth who is more fun to harass, pick on, joke with, laugh at/with, prank, scare or even trick than her. My mother is tied with my grandmother for second place in this category - that's an ENTIRELY different post.

Laugh today - (preferably at someone you love!)

Thankful for _________.

Short post today...

I'm thankful for my insurance!

Thank you "current employer" for providing such great insurance. I'm off to get my eyes checked now.

Thankful For__________.

Today, I'd like to say that I'm thankful for

Our Military

I'm so thankful to live in a country where we have the freedom of speech and religion. We live in a democratic society where our votes count and it's the men and women of the armed forces who fight and protect that right everyday.

They protect the right of those who find it ok to bash the current president. They protect the right of those who find it ok to burn our flag. They protect the right of those who find it ok to to bash Christianity. They protect the right of those who picket and protest. They protect the right of those who think it's ok to have printed and Internet pornography. They protect the right of those find it ok to terminate a pregnancy. They protect our rights and freedoms and for that reason, I am thankful for them.

We can never truly thank them enough for all they do for us.

Thankful for _________.

I'm taking the lead from Sarah on this.

I'm going to try to blog every workday for the month of November something for which I am thankful. Please keep in mind that I am not trying to win a Pulitzer Prize on this blog, nor am I trying to sound prolific in any way (like other bloggers) by writing these grandiose diatribes about morals, politics, Roe v. Wade, our nation, the youth of today blah, blah, blah.

Some of my thankful blogs are going to be silly, stupid, funny and even annoying. Also, please note that topics of thankfulness are random. Should I write about Food Network today - it doesn't mean I am more thankful for it than my family.

With the rules stated, my first Thankful blog is about:

Salt

I am so thankful for salt. That's right, good 'ol NaCl. Think about it....where would we be without it? Food would taste horrible, or New England-like. My personal preference is Kosher. It's more delicate than standard table salt or iodized salt. I think it's also my preference because it makes me feel like a Food Network chef...you know, using my hands to get it out of the cute container and holding it high in the air, letting it fall atop my uncooked food. sigh. It's wonderful.

Let's talk about salt's many uses, shall we? There's the most important food seasoning. Then we have other uses like, using salt as a mild abrasive, an aid to a sore throat, soaking aching body parts, using it during the production of homemade ice cream, killing slugs (not that you should do this, but it does work), using it in your swimming pool and even protecting our northern friends on icy roads.

Salt is amazing and I'm so glad to have it around - some of us more than others, but all in all....

I'm thankful for salt.

Real Housewives....really?

Every season I have one television show that I watch for pure disgust factor. Not disgust as in there’s blood and guts everywhere, but disgust as in, “I can’t believe these are real people saying these things.” And yes, each season it’s the same show.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to “The Real Housewives of _______.” The blank represents the different city they’re in each year. It started out in Orange County, California. Then it moved to New York City. Now….sigh…..it’s in Atlanta.

The Orange County season wasn’t so great. It was a bunch of blond, plastic, highly-medicated women with tons of fake hair. They really didn’t do anything. All in all – boring. The NYC season was much better as it revealed just how trite people who are starving to be part of an elitist crowd can really be. Combine those disgusting Brooklyn accents with people who clearly were born on the wrong side of the tracks and a little bit of money and you have one heck of a show. They’re loud, obnoxious and dying to be photographed for the society section of the paper. Love fest 2007!!!!

Now we move to the Atlanta season. One word, one syllable – WOW. That’s really all I can say. Five women living in Atlanta and a very clear depiction of their lives. I’d like to dissect it for you now.

NeNe (pronounced knee-knee)
NeNe lives in the Sugarloaf area of Atlanta. Her home is nothing to write home about – nice, sure, but not jaw dropping. She is, by far, the most fun of the wives this season. NeNe has a typical story. She was born poor, doesn’t know who her father is, married a guy who eventually got into real estate, made a little money, and is now entitled to everything around her. She’s as elegant and classy as Cloris Leachman with 6 martinis in her. All in all, NeNe is funny, loud, obnoxious and clearly jealous of the other housewives.

DeShawn
DeShawn lives in Alpharetta – just north of Atlanta. Her husband is a long-time member of some basketball team. They have recently built their 15,000 square feet dream home. DeShawn’s “catch phrase” she uses a lot is, “I always knew I was destined for greatness.” Greatness, of course, is translated to mean – have a lot of money. She clearly is new money and tries to act FAR more elegant than her roots allow. She feels like she needs an “executive staff.” This staff includes a chef, estate manager, cleaning crew, personal assistant and….someone else. She “just can’t do it” without her staff. She only has two children. She’s in the process of interviewing this staff. Her first question is – “What do you know about myself?”
I need stop here for a second. Using the word “myself” does not make you sound more affluent, elegant, refined or intelligent. In fact, using it inappropriately makes you sound like a moron – much like DeShawn. I promise you, there’s nothing wrong with using “me.” It’s a simple word but for some reason people think it’s usually incorrect. It’s not! “I made this dinner for Sarah and me.” – correct. “What do you know about me?” – correct. “Can you give the answer to me?” – correct. Moving on…
DeShawn in very proud of herself. She also enjoys saying “she always knew she was gonna be somebody” – because, obviously, if you don’t have money, you’re nobody, right?
Idiot.

Lisa
Lisa lives in Duluth in a country club. She has a very nice home – as she is a realtor. She is ultra high-energy and everything revolves around her “making money” as she likes to state. She is also married to a professional athlete – and NFL player I believe. She tries to justify everything in her life by basing where she is now as direct reflection of having been in a bad marriage. She actually said that she deserves to live the life she has because of her previous marriage. I think money makes people delusional. Nonetheless, she’s a useless character on the show. She owns a realty company and last night’s episode showed us giving a presentation to a builder. Here’s how she started it: “You’re probably wondering what makes Hartwell and Associates different….well let me tell you.” Lisa, could you find a more unoriginal opening??? Try harder my friend.

Sheree (pronounced shir-ray)
She lives is in Sandy Springs. Annoying is an understatement. Formerly married to an NFL player. She keeps saying “I’m in the middle of a divorce and I’m wanting a lump sum……some seven figures.” I mean, seven figures could only be a million dollars – don’t get too proud yet. She of course, like every other entitled wannabe fashionista, is starting her own fashion line. She’s very rude. She has her own PR person…..for herself. Not kidding. She also has a personal assistant to whom she speaks as if she’s the formerly cracked-out, Whitney Houston. You know what I mean….a lot of staring, speaking lowly but quickly with a lot of attitude….oh and a ton of eye rolling. She and NeNe hate each other. She clearly has false teeth because her lips are always getting stuck on them – which is funny.

Kim
Kim, Kim, Kim…..where do I start. Lives in Duluth in an “exclusive” townhouse community. She has more blonde weave in her head than a factory can produce in a month. She is single but seeing “Big Poppa”. You see, BP is a “celebrity” who wants to remain namless and a mystery. Translated – he’s still married. And he pays for the exclusive townhouse to hide her away. She just spent $18,000 on her 11 year old daughter’s birthday. She bought her two Louis Vuitton handbags and a Louis Vuitton watch. Not sure why an 11 year old needs that. It’s insane. Oh, and she also wants to be a country music singer. I loved a preview from last night where her vocal coach told her “you don’t know what you’re doing.” This woman is a self proclaimed label-aholic. She only buys very high-end labels. Not high-end like Marc Jacobs, but high-end like Dior. Her famous quote is “I could die today, if I do, I’m gonna die in Dior.” The thing is, she looks kinda like a man. Ok, she really looks like a man. A tranny even. She has SO MUCH DRAMA in her life because her friends don’t get along. Give me a break lady! She is a train wreck and a reflection of greed and materialism.

I can’t wait for next week!!!!!!

Words and Phrases

This is a list of words and/or phrases that I hope to never hear for many, many, many, years:

• Pundits
• Senate-speak
• Maverick
• Bipartisan
• Dependence on foreign oil
• Obama
• Change
• Barack
• Worst financial crisis since the Great Depression
• Bail out
• Obama
• Biden
• Cross party lines
• irregardless
• Nancy Pelosi

5 Years Already?

I've been meaning to write about this for at least two months - but didn't. The cast net story was much too good to pass up and whenever I get a minute to write, I don't want to disappoint.

August 16, 2003 was a fun day. I was living in Pensacola, FL. Sarah and I had been dating for a while now. I knew Sarah was supposed to be my wife. My Grandmother (Nanny) is still convinced that she "prayed" Sarah to me......at this point, I'm pretty sure I agree with her because I am a lot to deal with - lol. Sarah and I had all the appropriate talks, played all the silly question and answer games where I would ask the most ambiguous questions which were obviously about me, but I was "hypothetically" asking them. You know the type...."So Sarah, what qualities do you want your future husband to have?" And then checking-off, in my head, the qualities I possessed - while forcing myself to believe I had all the others too.

So...it was Saturday and I decided that today would be the day I asked Sarah to marry me. Since we had already discussed marriage, she knew I had a ring. She was simply waiting for the day I was going to give it to her. Those of you that know me know that I am the absolute worst secret-keeper in the world. For example, when I buy Sarah's Christmas gift, I usually give it to her the next day. I can't help it!!!!!

So back to the ring. I had it...and it was stunning!!!!! Well, it still is stunning. I had it hiding in a drawer in my room. I looked at it everyday. I think I cleaned it every three days because I wanted it to be perfect for her. So since she knows we're getting married, she decided to go dress shopping. That's right - wedding dress shopping - with no engagement ring. Funny. So she and our good friend "Boopa" came back from dress shopping and apparently "she found it". I laughed so hard just thinking what she must have looked like in the bridal boutique...."well, yes ma'am, I know we're getting married, I just don't have a ring yet, that's all."

I saw when they pulled up in the car and I ran and put the ring in my back pocket. She came in and we decided to go downtown for lunch at one of our favorite places Dharma Blue. On the way down, Sarah was like a school girl asking for the ring and hitting my pockets to try and feel it, which she never could because it was in the back pocket - ha ha ha. So I really played it up. I was trying to sound irritated like..."well, if you want me to go back and get it, I will, but it won't be a surprise." She said disappointedly, "no, that's ok...I'll just wait."

So we made it downtown and I started walking toward the park instead of the restaurant. I was like "let's go walk through the park" - which should have been a major red flag since I don't ever want to walk anywhere. So we did and sat on a bench and I pulled out a card and asked her to read it. It was a sweet card, nothing overly dramatic. She thought it was sweet and thanked me for it. Then I pulled out another card and asked her to read it out loud. It of course said, "will you marry me?" While she was reading, I was on my knee with her ring.

She said yes - obviously.

We had lunch, picked out invitations and secured a location all in the same day! We were a power-shopping-pre-wedding couple!!! We had a great engagement that taught us a lot about love and each other. We had a beautiful wedding with all our family and friends at a beautiful spot. It was exactly what we wanted.

We have now grown to a home-owning couple with a seven month old sweet baby and the cutest puppy (3 years old) around. I love Sarah today more than ever. We are the best of friends. We know each other better than anyone else. I can't believe it's been five years since our engagement and almost five (May 22) since our wedding day. I couldn't have picked a better wife - well, I didn't. God did.

I'm so happy I have her - forever!

Southern Slang

Hi......

It's been a while, I know. No excuses.

So....I've had this conversation with several people I know and I always come to the same conclusion every time - I don't know how to speak southern slang.

Now let me say this....I am a PROUD southerner. I love my heritage, values, beliefs, ethics, everything that exemplifies what a southerner is. I love sweet tea, collard greens - or any vegetable cooked with a bone or bacon in it, fried chicken, church, manners etc. However, I have always struggled with the topic of slang, but southern slang in general.

Picture this.....

I'm at a gas station today (just minutes ago actually) pumping gas and a truck pulls up at the adjoining pump. A nice gentleman gets out, looks at me, spits on the ground and says "ah-ight nahw." Loosely translated to mean, "all right now." I look at him, smile, and say, "hi." I mean....all right now, what?....how do I answer that? Should I have given him the "what-up head tilt" and then spit on the ground? This is a whole other problem because my body doesn't produce a lot of saliva. I have a dry mouth...sorta like a classification of certain St. Bernard dogs. Anyway....

He spits on the ground again and then says, "whatcha know good?" I mean....what do I know good? I know a lot of good things. Does he want me to talk about Celie? Doubtful. Does he want me to talk about what a wonderful mommy Sarah has become? I'll give you a guess - negative. So I stutter and fumble around on my words - which is rare - and say, "it's a beautiful day." Ah, the weather talk - which I never do. People here in my office LOVE to talk weather. I think it's a senior citizen or very bored person thing to do. I personally do not talk weather as the subject is finite. It's either, pretty or ugly; hot, cold or perfect; sunny or raining. I really don't care about the weather to be honest so I don't "talk it."

So the gentleman says, "it sure is. You cast net?" Do I cast net? I'll give you a moment to laugh. Those of you that know me know that I do not cast net. And for those of you who don't know what that means, it's simply wading in thigh to waist deep shark-infested water and throwing a net (like a native) into the water and hoping to have a fish in it when you pull it up. By fish, I mean mullet typically. I hate mullet. It's gross to me.

So I say, "no sir, I don't cast net." He says, "well why not? There's some good eatin' to be done." Oh my. What to do, what to do? I certainly can't tell him that:
1) I don't eat mullet
2) I'm borderline terrified to wade into deep water during "feeding time"
3) I wouldn't know how to "work" a cast net if my life depended on it

So I think...AH HA! I'll blame everything on Celie! She's the perfect scapegoat for all of this. She's only seven months old and can take the blame for anything.

"Well, I really don't have time. You see, we just had our first baby this year and we like to spend time with her when we get home and on the weekends so really cast netting is really out of the picture."

He retorts: "Awww, get that baby out there and teach him how to throw a net. He'll need to know how to skin a mullet anyway."

omg, omg, omg, omg - how is the gas taking so long????????

I say: "Oh, she's a little girl....did I mention she's only seven months old?"

He says: "Oh, a girl....well (long pause)........ she'll need to know how to cook 'em and clean up after 'em."

God in Heaven help me.

So at this point, I look at him and just uncomfortably chuckle. I mean, my word!!! By this point I'm hoping that he's forgotten that I'm standing there with him. He then says, "well, whut chew thank about all this bankin' bizness? I dun toll my wife to close my account at the bank. I'm gone start keeping my money at the house."

CLICK - gas pumping over (thank you Lord)

I say, "well, it's certainly a serious problem that needs to be fixed. You have a great afternoon and good luck with your net, uh, casting, um, cast net, cast netting, fishing, whatever!"

Another Quote to Share

I have found yet another fantastic quote that I MUST share with you:

"Obama came out last week and began to compare himself to Sarah... notice how that quickly went away, what a mistake! I think the real issue is that the other side must keep the focus off their own candidate. If everyone knew that their candidate has failed at about everything except running a campaign it would be catastrophic for them. Most of his “community outreach projects” have failed or are failing. As a student at Harvard he was never published. As a professor in Chicago he was never published. He voted “present” 127 times instead of taking a position (over 50% of the time) in the Illinois State senate. Overall, this candidate has sponsored 65 bills but passed ZERO, and cosponsored 364 with only 5 being passed. His motto is change but has failed to demonstrate competence at each step to his present position. Sarah Palin could be the only one on the ticket and would still have demonstrated more credential than Obama. Sorry if this is harsh but I am seriously looking for a concrete metric to support his popularity and come up with nothing."

- Ashley E. Fuller, Genius.

From Alaska to Washington, D.C.

This has got to be the greatest quote of the year:

"This is a man [Barack Obama] who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting, and never use the word “victory” except when he’s talking about his own campaign. But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed … when the roar of the crowd fades away … when the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot - what exactly is our opponent’s plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he’s done turning back the waters and healing the planet?" - Gov. (and future Vice President) Sarah Palin

I have received the biggest kick out of reading what the media is writing about her. They're trying to find anything to say against her - even if it's stupid.

The stupid, insipid, shallow "celebrity" blog sites have done their work as well. They're actually pointing out how much Laura Bush and Cindy McCain's outfits and jewelry they wore to the RNC actually cost. SERIOUSLY?????? I mean, SERIOUSLY? It makes me laugh because these guys who are bloggers are shaking in their stilettos - as they should be. When the fact that Cindy McCain is wearing Oscar de La Renta is their kind of "news"......these people have a long way to go.

The next time there's a Golden Globe or Oscar or SAG or Emmy awards show, a republican blogger, who more than likely is not wearing stilettos, should document how much the celebrities' dresses and jewelry cost - granted most of it is borrowed....which means what exactly?

Did anyone watch Bill O'Riley's interview with Barack?

I heart Bill.....

Christmas Decisions

As some of you may know, I am the Music Director / Worship Leader at the church we attend. This is something I truly love doing. Just to give you an idea of my responsibilities, I:

• Select all the music for Sunday morning and Sunday evening worship services


• Lead worship for Sunday morning and Sunday evening worship services


• Conduct rehearsals for the adult choir, adult praise team and praise band


• Select all special musical productions (Christmas and Easter)


• Lead the worship rally for Vacation Bible School


• Serve on church council


• Manage music ministry budget


• Build up music library


• Bring in guest singers/groups/artists


• Other responsibilities and duties as required - LOL

and I love every minute of it. I so wish it could be my full-time job. I still have so much to learn, but it's been a lot of fun.

I'm currently at a crossroads that most Music Directors find themselves in around this time of year. What to select for Christmas musical. For the past couple years, we've performed musicals with a "narration" or "dramatic reading" to go along with the singing. We did the same for Easter. This year, I really feel like breaking away from that and going a more "concert" style....or really a worship concert (if there's such a thing). I'm sampling three musicals now, two of which were written by Travis Cottrell (thank God for him). The three I am looking at are:

All Bow Down: http://www.brentwood-benson.com/product.aspx?ProjectCode=457571405

Come in Grace and Glory: http://www.brentwoodbenson.com/product.aspx?ProjectCode=457570438

Hallelujah, Jesus is Born: http://www.brentwoodbenson.com/product.aspx?ProjectCode=457571501#

You can click on the links and scroll down to listen to a sampling of songs. I really want this year to be fantastic and I want so badly for people to experience a worship service. This will be my first year doing a Christmas musical by myself. The set-up at our church used to be that I did all the worship services and another lady handled all the choir stuff. That was a nice setup but at times could prove to be a little tricky as there were two people in charge of the ministry.

I've put some feelers out to my friends in Pensacola to come and sing with us. I hope I like the decisions I hear from them. They are all so talented and would be a great addition to our great little choir. I'm hoping to get 6-8 singers from my former church in Pensacola to help us out.

At any rate, either of these musicals will be wonderful. They combine songs we know, plus new worship songs celebrating the birth of Jesus. If you live in the area and would like to sing with us, just comment me and I'll get you everything you need (upon passing an audition - kidding - partly.....but you have to be saved and an active church-go'er to participate with us).

I would love to hear any opinions on the musicals in question, so I encourage you to go take a listen!

Trying To Stop

*Back story*
When I was young, I really liked babies/toddlers and they really liked me. So much so, that I wanted to become a pediatrician (this decision was quickly changed once I took my first college-level science course and wanted to blow my brains out from boredom and knew that there would be NO POSSIBLE WAY I could endure twelve years of listening to the monotone babbling of old science professors - Alyson, remember Dr. Halpern????). Anyway, as I got older, I started liking babies less and less, mostly because of the parents I'm sure. For example, it makes me crazy when adults are talking and a child interrupts them and the parent turns their attention completely to the interrupting child and answers their VERY VERY important question.


So by the time Sarah and I got married, children were no where in the picture. I was convinced that I didn't even want or need them. My mother was also convinced that we would never have children and she kept telling us stories of how we were going to be so lonely when we were older because she and my dad would be dead as well as Sarah's parents and we would have no family left and we'd grow old and lonely together. Such the encourager. So, she basically wrote off children for us. Boy was she surprised when we were pregnant (as were we).

*Back story over*

Celie came into our lives Feb 23, 2008. Wow. What a life-changer she has been! I love her so much. She is so funny and is clearly the world's most adorable and gorgeous child. Not to mention that she is so super sweet. So why the title of this blog? Well, I'll tell you.


I've never been driven to jealousy by what people have. I don't care what kind of car they drive, or clothes they wear. I only care about the clothes I wear - LOL. I've always been a little jealous of people's abilities, like if someone can sing really well, I try to pretend they can't or make some comment that makes it seem that they aren't that great. For example, "yeah, she's an ok singer, but I mean, her pitch was a little questionable." Stuff like that. I only make those kinds of comments when people do the same things as I, like singing, playing the piano, etc. Now, take someone who is a great painter like Sarah's sister or a great photographer like our friend Amanda, and I'm completely in awe of that ability.

But, something bad has happened to me in the "baby" department. I've become completely over the top. I turn everything into a competition. There's a lady at work here who is a new grandmother. Her grandson is a couple weeks older than Celie. She will say things like, "Baby Bob is doing so well, he's such a good, good baby." Well, instead of being happy with her, I totally turn her comment into a personal attack and try to one-up her. Here's an example of how a typical conversation with her goes (and we talk several times a day mind you).

Lady from work: "So baby Bob is doing so well. We kept him last night and he just went to sleep and didn't make a peep or anything."
Me: "Oh that's good."
Lady: "I mean, he is just the best baby. I don't know that I've ever heard him cry."
Me: "Well, for your information, Celie has been sitting up on her own for over a month now. She's also able to pull up and even put her toes in her mouth....mostly because she's so tall for her age - in the 99th percentile to be exact. She loves her bath and doesn't meet a stranger. She's the sweetest baby that I've ever known, if we're being honest here. The Dr. tells us that she can tell Celie doesn't watch TV because she's so aware and alert and bright-eyed. Does Bob watch TV?"
Lady: (with hesitation) "wow, ummmmm, that's great Matthew. Ok, well I better get back to work."
Me: (smirking)

I mean, what's wrong with me????? She isn't picking a fight with me, but some monster comes out of me and I immediately go into competition mode. Aye-aye-aye. I've got to get a grip.

I'm trying to stop.....I promise.

Let This Blest Assurance Control.......

Does anyone know where the title of this blog comes from?

It's part of the second verse of the greatest hymn ever written, "It Is Well With My Soul." The verse says, "though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control, that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and hath shed his own blood for my soul." It's truly my favorite hymn of all time.

Sarah and I have a game we play....mostly in the car, but has made an appearance in other random locations: the grocer, while washing dishes, while playing with Celie. It's basically Name That Tune, just our style. You see, I am an aficionado of all things "church music." I know more hymns than most people and I know the most obscure verses. Sarah...........not so much. While Sarah was raised in church, she never paid attention to the words of the songs. She only listened to the melodies as she was an outstanding young trumpeteer and as anyone with a musical background knows, trumpets, 99% of the time, carry the melody.

So, I'll start singing an old hymn (mostly because I know she's not going to know the next phrase) and then stop and she's supposed to pick up where I left off. For example, I'll sing:

"Guide me O thou great Jehovah......" and Sarah will hum some combination of the words, Jesus, Cross and Died for me. This is completely incorrect mind you. Everyone knows it's "Pilgrim though this barren land." Sometimes, once I tell her the phrase, I'll make her sing it again so I can sing the harmony part(s).

Then it's Sarah's turn. She'll dig up some song from the 80's that I have never heard before, which is most of them. Sarah had a much older brother who was always "rockin' out" so she knows tons and tons of songs - I do not, as I spent most of my childhood listening to Bill Gaither, The Cathedrals, or the Chipmunks. If you don't know who Bill Gaither or The Cathedrals are, they are legendary southern gospel artists. I do not like southern gospel music at all at present.

I almost never get the songs right that she tests me with. It's a fun and silly game. Somehow it makes me feel superior knowing that I know all these church hymns. I'm not sure how I feel superior because I think I'm the only one in the world who is impressed by it.

I encourage each of you to start playing your own version of Name That Tune. It's fun, it's easy, it's cheap. It can also provide countless hours of fun for the whole family.

Ok, name it: "The moon shines full at his command......"

Sing on people, sing on!

The Office

Merriam-Webster's 5th definition of an office is: the directing headquarters of an enterprise or organization OR the place in which a professional person conducts business.

I consider myself a professional person. I do conduct business in my office. However, no where in this definition do I read "monitor of all things restroom". Let me give you a little breakdown....

My office sits directly in the middle of the men's and women's restrooms, but on the opposite wall. Meaning, I see who is going into the restrooms. My office door is right in front of the water fountain which is located in between the two restrooms. Needless to say, there's a lot of traffic.....and a lot of the traffic is "backed-up" (if you know what I'm sayin'). Everyday I watch as people go in and out, in and out, in and out of the restrooms. We have some VERY systematic restroom users.

Another fact you may find incredibly interesting is the restrooms are completely tiled. Top to bottom, walls and all. Now, if you a singer, this is a wonderful room. However, if you are a noisy restroom go'er, this may come as a bit of a nuisance.

With that said, I have four people here who really need to know this simple, yet important fact of our tiled restroom design.

Offender #1 - female. Takes SEVERAL restroom breaks per day. My guess would truly have to be 6-8. That's a lot of potty breaks people! There's no such thing as a short break either. She's in there a good ten minutes. Noise violation - 6.

Offender #2 - male. Takes two very critical restroom breaks per day. One at 9:00 am and another around 2:00. Visits are shorter for the work he's doing. Noise violation - 9.

Offender #3 - male. Takes three very lengthy restroom breaks per day. He should actually be offender #1 because if you happen to be in the restroom with him, he carries on a conversation with you. He watches for shoes so he knows who is in there, or he just asks random open-ended questions. Now, I am personally not a restroom communicator. However, he crosses the line as it doesn't matter what he's doing (which is mostly #2), he's going to talk with you. Even among the noises. Noise violation - 8.

Offender #4 - male. Takes one VERY VERY VERY significant restroom break. Oh my, oh my.....he's going for the kill. You better clear the decks if you're in there with him cause it doesn't matter. Remember Hiroshima? Same thing. Noise violation - 10

Now, judge me all you want for writing about this, but you don't have to sit across from it for eight hours a day. I've sat in this same office for going on five years and I have learned certain people's schedules. There's a part of me that hates this office due to all the poop noises I have to hear and all the foot traffic because I'm only one door down from the lobby, but then there's a part of me that loves it. Mostly because I was lucky enough to get brand new carpet and freshly painted walls and nice modular office furniture. If you've seen my office before, you know how much of a luxury this truly is. The "executive" wing of my offices is covered with horrible horrible dark "wood" paneling and gray carpet - mmmmmm.

I really love it when I have a vendor in my office or another guest visiting and one of my offenders makes their way to the restroom. I immediately change the subject and am like..."um, maybe we should go to lunch or something." and they reply, "but Matthew, it's only 10:00 am". And then it happens.....Mt. Vesuvius erupts. It's so embarrassing. What am I supposed to say...."oh sorry about all the poop noises you're hearing."???? I don't think so.

So...I think I'm moving offices. I'm hoping to secure the one that's upstairs and the ONLY office in the building with a window. Yes, the ceilings are low. Yes, the carpet is dingy. Yes, I would be all alone. Yes, I'd have to walk about 24 steps every time I made a move......

But I'd be away from the poop noises.......

Laxative anyone?

Champion of Diapers?

When we were expecting our little "pork chop" aka Celie, we were so fortunate to be the recipients of several baby showers. Four to be exact. We were completely overwhelmed (in the good way) with the amount of gifts given. One of these gifts was the Diaper Champ.

You know what I'm talking about.

It's the garbage can-esque repository for soiled diapers. There is another version. It's called the Diaper Genie. The Champ is very basic. It doesn't require special bags, batteries, a college degree or anything like that. You simply take a plastic bag from Target, your local grocer, etc. and you put it in the hole and close the lid and wha-la! Diaper in a bag for you. Apparently the Genie requires very special bags that almost turn the diapers into a sausage. Then before you know it, you have this insanely long "tube" of dirty diapers. It's almost like an insect.

We were heavily discouraged by several new parents to stay away from the Genie and only go with the Champ. I personally didn't understand why we had to have one. I sorta get it now. Here's the thing that I'm bitter about and no one told me. THE SMELL.

Now, let's face it, I know what poop smells like. It's not gardenias. And I also know that a baby's poop is not going to be pleasant. Specifically our baby's because I know who her mother is (if you know what I'm sayin'.) Anyway, I knew that it wasn't going to smell "nice". It's dirty diapers for crying out loud. But no one prepared me for the putrid stench that could seep out from that thing. I feel like we're almost being punished by the Champ.

Do I leave diapers in there for a few days? Sure. Isn't that what it's for? But Lord have mercy. It's come to the point where when you flip the little conveyor over that you have to hold your breath. Who knew t-t could smell so badly. At this point, I'd rather sit in baby poop than smell the t-t.

I took the Champ out on the back porch this morning to let it air out. I also decided to spray it with Clorox Kitchen Cleanup (with Lemon!!) so now it smells like a bleachy lemon that's been covered in t-t. YUM. I don't know....I'm temped to go without. Do we really need it? Can't we just use the kitchen garbage? I mean, it gets taken out about every two days anyway.

I can no longer deal with the Champ. If the smell isn't gone by the time we get home, it's over. I'm breaking up with Champ. We'll have to find a different solution. Celie's going to have to get potty trained quickly....this diaper business is for the birds..........or maggots.

Don't Be A Hater

I want to first thank my dear friend Alyson for being the only commenter on my blog for quite some time - thanks! (hey, how do you like being mentioned in both my and Sarah's blog?)

My struggle = using the word "hate"

So, back in the day, the word hate was almost like using the f-word. It was very taboo and we (civilized America) were trying to "overcome the oppression" of the word hate. Here's the thing, I like using it. I use it almost as a joke as if I can "hate" something as trivial as curry or how the Olive Garden always smells like old dish water. I mean, I say I hate something, but am I going to react on this hate? No. Am I going to commit a hate-crime? No. It's a funny word to me. I can tell that when I say it, it still sets people off and they look at me funny. Whatever. I feel the same way about the word "shut-up". I hate that phrase - lol.

Here's where all this is coming from......our house sits in the same direction of our lot. Our lot is long and narrow and so is our house. It fits nicely on the lot. Do I wish the lot was smaller? Yes. Do I wish it was a typical lot where the house faced the road? Probably. It doesn't make me crazy though, so I can deal with it just fine. Here's the kicker, we have a VERY long driveway to our house. It's so long, in fact, that we can't afford to pave it. It would be like a $15,000 project if we cemented it. Asphalt is another option but is still going to be very expensive. I digress.

If you've read Sarah's blog at all, you know about our issue with the potholes in the driveway caused by our irresponsible neighbors. Some people try to avoid these holes whereby driving on our lawn. It makes me crazy. The most notorious offender? The postal carrier!!!! This amazon of a woman deliberately drives on our grass. She has a chip on her shoulder the size of the mole on her upper lip. I don't know why she has such a vendetta against us. She is blatantly disrespectful to our property and makes no bones about it. Now, my lawn is not impeccable, but the large majority of the area that you see when you come to visit my home looks very nice. I always know that she's been to deliver a package to the house because I can see her tire tracks through the lawn. We've called the Post Office to ask her not to drive on the lawn, but this has caused her to do it even more. I'm sorta at the point that if I saw her do it, I would grab the closest steel rod and beat the living daylights out of her 1997 Nissian Altima - burgundy of course.

So, the other day we came home to find both sets of tire tracks going straight through the lawn. I was furious! I came inside and was telling my mom about it (she was keeping Celie so it was Monday). I'm actually getting angry just thinking about it. So I say out loud...."I hate that stupid woman!" Referring to her disrespect of my property. My mom looked at me in disgust and, as usual, tells me that I won't go to Heaven if I have hate in my heart. I laughed at her because I really don't have hate in my heart. When I think of the kind of person who has hate in their heart I think of Osama Bin Laden or that Heinz-Kerry woman or that real estate lady in NYC who left all that money to her cat or something. I mean, I don't want to kill this woman. Well..................

So today, I come home. We're changing Celie from a disgusting poopy diaper. Our phone rings and it's my mom. She begins reading me every single scripture in the Bible that talks about hate. Apparently she even called Sarah today and asked her if I still had hate in my heart. My loving wife apparently told her that I always do, it just rotates from person to person depending on the day. Finding all this out later, further explained why my mom ended our conversation with this phrase: "So you better ask the Lord to forgive you of having hate in your heart for the mail lady, OR WHOEVER ELSE YOU HATE DEPENDING ON WHAT DAY IT IS."

I don't want anything bad to happen to the mail lady except for maybe a new job where she doesn't have to interact with humans. I mean, I'd like to beat her up or at least destroy her car, but no "real" harm to her.

So the word "hate". What does it mean to you? Is it just an exaggerated version of dislike that you use to comically express a true disgust for something or does it conjure up a dark and horrible meaning for you that only the vilest of offenders could define? Either way, it's not a big deal to me.....I will probably continue to use it, mostly though to see how many "sermons" my mom will give me. I'll clearly have to stop using it once Celie is repeating what we say.

Sisters

The Port St. Joe lunch scene is funny. Please allow me to give you a breakdown of the restaurants we have and the people who frequent them. As a note, these are not in order of preference.

1) Sisters Restaurant - a local cafe that serves one hot meal and a salad/sandwich menu. Good food, even better sweet tea. Free dessert with any purchase. Clients range from the social "elite" as they like to think of themselves, to the working-class roofers.

2) Peppers - the quintessential Mexican restaurant. Standard Mexican menu and quite good. Quick and easy lunch for business people if you don't mind smelling like an armpit all day. Clients are mostly 8-5 workers: city, county government, teachers, etc.

3) Provisions - a local grill/bistro/cafe with an upscale special of the day. Very impressive salads and sandwiches. Clients are mainly the "I don't get dirty at my job" people. Bankers, Insurance, Tennis moms, etc.

4) Sunset Coastal Grill - the only "finer" dining in the city. A beautiful location, building and view. Nice menu and very broad. Seafood, sandwiches, salads, platters, etc. Clients are mostly older. Not too many working business people as it takes up the full lunch hour to the minute. Some menu items are really really great, while others are a bit lacking.

5) Dockside Cafe - the restaurant at our local marina. It's basically outdoor dining - well sorta. The menu is limited. Things are served in baskets or plastic picnic plates. It's a great place if you've just come off the boat and are a drinker as it has a very extensive bar. Very pricey for what you get.

6) Great Wall - the local Chinese buffet - enough said. Clients are people who like buffets.

7) Fast Food - including Subway, McDonalds, Burger King.

I may be missing a few, but this just about sums it up. So, every place I have listed is typical restaurant. Either seat your self or someone will do it for you. Sarah and I really like to go to Sisters. A great family owns it. It's really good food. It's clean and friendly. Here's where I get confused......

Some people that go to Sisters "help themselves" to whatever they want. We'll call them the "helpers". They make their own drinks, get their own refills, get their own desserts, etc. Sarah and I don't do this. The owners and workers do not see these "helpers" as an annoyance. It almost seems like it is welcomed. I don't know if your supposed to just act on this entitlement yourself or are you supposed to be given the go-ahead. Sometimes I feel awkward thinking that the owners think that I'm demanding to be waited on. I'm not. I'd be perfectly happy getting everything myself.

So I got even more confused today and almost embarrassed because while Sarah and I were waiting for someone to get our drinks, this guy walks up to the drink station and says, "which one of these is sweet and unsweet?" He was clearly asking about tea. The owner pointed out which one was which to him and then he said it......"my mama didn't raise me to be waited on."

I felt like he was looking at me saying it. Kinda like..."Get off your butt and fix your own drink." I mean, I don't want to act like I own the place. I don't see a ton of people being "helpers", in fact, it's only a small group who do. Meanwhile......as we're waiting for someone to bring us dessert, one of the wait staff comes over and say, "did she get your dessert order?" I said, "yes". Then she says, "you know, if you need something you can just get it yourself or yell at us and we'll get it".

Panic!

Have they been talking about us because they think that we think we need to be waited on hand and foot? Was one of the owners like..."can someone go tell those two pretentious 20-somethings that they're mama don't work here and if they need something they can go get it?" I mean......my mama doesn't work there, but the only restaurant I've ever felt that entitled to do that in is the one we used to own. Sigh.

So now, I'm more confused than ever. If I start becoming a "helper" are people going to say, "why are they helping themselves?" The place is much too busy at lunch to ask for direction on the level you must reach before you acquire "help yourself status". I don't know what to do. We eat there about once to twice a week. What do I do?

I'm certainly not above doing it. I mean, I'll help myself. It'll actually save me $3.00 on a tip, right?

What would you do?

Simple Update

Just to let everyone know, I've moved on from myspace. I'm a Facebooker these days. Myspace was fun for a while, but part of me always felt like I was on some shady website and I kinda felt dirty about it. I've had a facebook account for quite some time, but never did much with it. So now I'm up and running with friends and everything. Sarah really convinced me to move on. I feel far more sophisticated using it - lol.

Nothing much to report today. Yesterday was our Lunch Club day. Every Wednesday, there's a group of us that meet for lunch. We typically eat on the porch of the TDC building. It's screened-in with ceiling fans, a restroom, a kitchen, WiFi Internet and it's overlooking our bay. It's been way too hot to eat outside the past few times so we've moved to Sarah and Amanda's conference room. We've been meeting for a while now, but now we've added a new element to the mix. Now, each person is responsible for making lunch on their week. We sorta started the trend by bringing pizza one time. Then Marcy reciprocated and brought pizza the next week. Amanda made a chicken spaghetti the next week and it's been a great rotation of fun ever since. Yesterday was our day again and I roasted some chicken and brought salad makings: lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, radishes, carrots, croutons, craisens, pine nuts, cheese and homemade ranch dressing. It was yummy. Marcy decided to bring an appetizer and dessert of pretzel crisps, hummus and lemon cupcakes. She also brought our friend Suzanne. It's Marcy's week next week.

Marcy really isn't much of a cook (she says) so next weeks menu should be interesting. Marcy, if you're reading this, please do not bring potato soup. It's much too hot for soup. Amanda said that she's thinking about making a veggie lo mein for her next time. This is fun! It's fun conversation, healthy eating and friends. If you're local (in PSJ) and want to join us, you may submit an invitation request to: mwwuwf@hotmail.com obviously, your request will be discussed among the Lunch Club and must receive a unanimous vote for acceptance - LOL. Upon acceptance, you will be given your lunch schedule.

Reality TV is alive and well at our house now that all the good shows are back. Now before you start being judgemental about our TV watching, please understand that we don't watch anything until Celie goes down for the night. Praise the Lord for DVR!!! Some of our favorites include: Flipping Out, Project Runway, My Life on the D-List, Shear Genius, Runs House, Tori and Dean and John and Kate Plus 8. Soon to be making a debut is: The Hills, Real World Challenge, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency and American Idol.

sigh.

Other than that, everything is going well at our house. Celie who is 5 months old is sitting up all on her own, eating well, teething (yuck), playing with things, putting everything in her mouth, laughing, being alert, using an abacus, learning her prepositions (and how not to end a sentence with one), learning fractions, and most importantly her chromatic scales. She is a busy bee and has been a hoot to watch learn and grow. Her eyes are starting to turn a different color from the green-grey they were. It appears that they will be brown - our little brown eye'd girl. Lord have mercy she's cute. Her hair seems like it is getting lighter. Not sure there. I can't wait until she can get her hair cut into a little bob!!!! maybe with a side bang? Not sure. I think it should stay short until it all grows in together. I'm not one of those parents who's like..."I can't cut her hair yet, sob, sob, sob."

I'll try to be a better updater - I promise.

Peace!

Just An Update

Hello faithful readers! I'm back with an update. I know it's been a while.....I feel like I'm saying that a lot these days, but nonetheless, here I am.

I know I have a problem. There are things in this world that can very easily get on my nerves. Actually, a lot of things get on my nerves. However, I'm aware of it, and I own it. I have now realized that there is someone out there who makes me so crazy - outside of the far-left media and celebrities.....well, she actually is a far-left "celebrity". I use quotes around the word celebrity because she thinks much more highly of herself than she should. Her name? Joy Behar. She is a co-host or loud mouth of the daytime gripe-fest, The View. When I hear her speak, I have the same reaction as I do when I hear nails on a chalk board - not pleasant.

She is so loud. So obnoxiously loud. She is very similar to Rosie O'Donnell where her point is the only point with any merit and it's the only point that should be discussed and you're a blatant idiot if you don't agree with her point. She only wants to talk about, and by talk about I mean bash, things from a conservative point of view. I get it, not everyone is conservative - Thank God! We need diversity. I have very dear friends who are WAY left or even moderately left. I don't hate them. I don't think they're stupid. I love them in spite of their flaws - lol. But this lady.....ugh.

I just saw her bring up jokes that John McCain made several several years ago. She thought she was so clever and quick with her "I don't fly planes John, lay off the jokes" comment. What was hysterical was the audience didn't think it was funny either and there was this awkward silence and Joy just adjusted herself in her chair and looked at Whoopi like, "that was funny, huh?"

Here's what I don't understand with most raging liberals, 99% of the media included: She would have been so belligerent if Elizabeth Hasslebeck would have said something about Obama. She would have gone on this rant about it. The thing is, nothing is treated fairly anymore. The Jesse Jackson stuff - not really broad casted with a negative tone, but if Bush would have said that word, bar the door, the media would be out in a frenzy.

It's as if the left is totally and completely protected from any accusations, but they can certainly point out any and all accusations about anyone from the right. It makes me crazy. Going back to Ms. Behar......she's so loud...have I said that already? She's not funny and her accent makes me want to kill myself. I don't know how you groom these people to "know it all", but she definitely does.

Ok, I've just spent 15 minutes watching clips from The View on youtube and now I'm even more angry. Someone put this cow out of her misery.....

I Knew It!! (continuation of Joy to the World)

Well, as we all expected, there is a new "Joyism" to add to the list.

Dysentery - used in replace of the word, dissertation

Here's a little back story. Joy is going back to school to finish up her RN. She's only a few classes short of this - GOOD FOR HER. She recently went back to the college where she got her LPN and ran into a former friend and student. He was working on his dissertation, meaning, his PhD. Well, upon Joy leaving, she says to him: "I hope everything goes well with your dysentery!" He then responds..."Oh Joy...we've missed you."

You can't write this stuff people!!!!

Joy to the World!

Breaking news.....I've posted a new blog entry. I'm sorry, I'm trying as best I can.

So I was sitting here reading The Traveling Turtle blog. There was a funny story on there about yard work and a snake. It made me laugh because I can remember it so well. It got me thinking about things that have happened to me that I can still laugh at today.

Sarah and I are usually laughing at something. Sometimes, we can get so tickled, that we start crying and can't say anything because we're laughing so hard. I also begin to sound like an 83-year old with emphysema....oh the wheezing.

Anyway, most of our "funny stories" involve Sarah's mother or Sarah's interaction with her mother. It's usually quite funny. Sarah's mom's name is Joy. She is a nurse by profession and a power-shopper by gift. She and Sarah's dad now live in Crestview, making a recent move from Orlando. That's where today's story took me back to.

Joy isn't the, how can I say, "best driver" and Sarah is kindof like a 75 year old in a 30 year old body - great combination for Orlando traffic huh? I get so cracked up thinking about all our shopping experiences in Orlando (and there were a lot) where Joy drove us. Sarah sat in the front seat of the car grabbing the hanger bar on the ceiling with her right hand, having a death grip on the center console with her left hand and pushing back with both of her feet so hard she almost broke the seat. All of this with her making groans of nausea, taking extreme gasps of air and screaming, "they're breaking, they're breaking, they're breaking!!!!" It was glorious!!!

We would reach our destination and Sarah would pour out of the car and onto the pavement of the mall parking lot. Meanwhile, Joy looks at her as if she's lost her mind. Of course, Joy sees nothing wrong with her driving skill and I must say, we have never been injured by her driving. Well....I think Sarah could tell a different story.

They have a great relationship and it's always really fun to hang out with them. Sarah usually tries to tell her mother how to do things, and Joy usually ignores her (much to my satisfaction). Another funny thing about Joy is her ability to create, what we now refer to affectionately as, "Joyisms". These are words or phrases that Joy says either completely incorrectly or pronounces them in a way that no one else can. Here's a sampling:

Say-Tahn-ic - this is used to replace the word, satanic. Now, I believe the only time this has been used is when she was telling Sarah as a child that her cabbage patch dolls were satanic and made her dispose of them. When Sarah re-tells this story, she uses a voice we call "the Kate voice". Kate being Kate from Days of our Lives.

Gwen Puh-trow - this is used to replace the celebrity name, Gweneth Paltrow.

William and Sanova - used in replace of the store Williams Sanoma (a favorite of all three of ours).

Guh-diva - used in replace of cadaver. Remember, she's a nurse and we were talking about her classes one evening when this came up. I thought they were cutting chocolates in one of her classes.

Rigamortis - used in replace of rigamarole - no explanation.

Josh Grow-Bahn - used when naming popular recording artist, Josh Groban.

This is just a small sampling of the fun we have laughing at her, errr, with her. It's a hoot. Joy and Phil and coming over this weekend to see sweet cheeky chong (Celie). I hope there are more Joyisms to add.

I'll keep you posted!

Haven't Met Lilly?

Forgive the delay in a new post. Work life has been insane.

We have a dog. Her name is Lilly. She is quite possibly the cutest dog in the entire world. We love her to death. She has recently celebrated her third birthday so she's a "big girl" now. She is also very bad. Not bad like, she poops and pees in the house (well, she does seem to always poop in my moms house, we're not really sure why that happens but it does - however, she does not poop in our house). She is just mischievous bad. She will steal things out of the bathroom garbage cans, she will bark at something if it's "unusual", she takes up the ENTIRE bed and she toots a lot. She's one mischievous little dog.

You can always tell when she has something she knows she's not supposed to have because once she gets it, she goes racing across the wood floor in our house into the guest room most of the time. When you see her fly by, you know you should probably go check on her. She does it as if she thinks we don't notice that she's literally sprinting across our house. This is mostly typical with empty toilet paper rolls, a first love of hers to fish out of the garbage.

She does this same trick with her food. Her food is in the very back of the house in the utility or laundry room. She will get ONE MORSEL and sprint into the dining room, lie on the rug and eat this one morsel. Only if she's REALLY hungry will she stay and eat over her bowl. Nuts-o!

Now keep in mind, she has never destroyed anything of ours...no rug (and we have several), no shoes, nothing....she's always been quite good in those departments. However, she was clearly possessed yesterday as I caught her in the act of numero uno violation.

Sarah was feeding Celie and I was eating a delicious dinner of BBQ ribs - yum. I eat first because Sarah always wants to feed Celie and when I'm done I take over and Sarah eats. This is a simple system that will so be over because Celie is about to begin cereal and she will eat when we eat. Anyway....I was eating and Sarah went to put Celie under her mobile which she is completely in love with. I went to watch her kick, squirm and wiggle like a sprayed roach under the mobile. When I came back, the infamous Lilly was treating herself to a BBQ rib on our dining room rug!!!!

I have never seen anything like it. She is not a beggar at the table as that is the most important "manner" I wanted her to have. If you sit at the table, she goes and lies down. I'm proud of her for that. When I walked into the room, I was dumbfounded!!!! I didn't know what to say!! I was instantly angry because I was really hungry and those ribs are awesome and there is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel gorging herself out on one. Of course, all I said was NO! and picked up the rib (I was temped to still eat it but I didn't). I threw it in the garbage in complete astonishment still. I turn around and, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, jumped back into my chair.

OH NO MA'AM!!!!! No one is messing with my BBQ. Ask Sarah, she once got her hand stabbed for reaching onto my plate. I immediately screamed at her and snatched her by the scruff and sorta threw her onto the floor and began to ask her questions she couldn't answer like:

• "What the crap are you doing?"
• "Have you lost your mind today?"
• "Why do you think that was a good idea?"
• "Are you happy with yourself?"
• "You know you're allergic to protein, why would you choose to do this?"

I said all of these to her in a matter of 15 seconds and she just stared at me with her head tilted to the side like always, immediately distracted by Celie's squealing in the other room. It's clear that I need to call Cesar Milan, Dog Whisperer. I mean, I don't want to injure Lilly, but if you mess with my food, I can't guarantee what might happen.

She's been a little "off" since Celie's been home. I'm sure this is some sort of behavioral reaction to the change and the fact that our attention is now almost completely focused on our daughter. Not to worry though, Lilly still gets her one-on-one time when Celie is asleep - which is a lot.

I paid a mint fortune for Lilly and she has the characteristics of nothing more than a standard hound dog. She wants to lick you all in the face, especially if you've been sweating which is 90% of the time if you live here. She eats her "friend's" poo. By friend's I mean this bunny that visits our yard every morning and evening. She chases bugs in hopes of catching them to eat. She rummages through the trash like those people who were on Oprah who got everything out of the trash. She has allergies so she's always itching. Do you see what I mean?

But despite all this, she is the best little pup around and I love her to death. She's going to make a great big sister to Celie. She's really started interacting with her now that Celie is becoming more mobile. I can't wait to see how their relationship develops.

You have to meet Lilly if you ever come to Port St. Joe......she'll lick you and possibly steal something from you.

We love you Lilly!!!!!! You bad girl!