Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Real Housewives....really?

Every season I have one television show that I watch for pure disgust factor. Not disgust as in there’s blood and guts everywhere, but disgust as in, “I can’t believe these are real people saying these things.” And yes, each season it’s the same show.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to “The Real Housewives of _______.” The blank represents the different city they’re in each year. It started out in Orange County, California. Then it moved to New York City. Now….sigh…’s in Atlanta.

The Orange County season wasn’t so great. It was a bunch of blond, plastic, highly-medicated women with tons of fake hair. They really didn’t do anything. All in all – boring. The NYC season was much better as it revealed just how trite people who are starving to be part of an elitist crowd can really be. Combine those disgusting Brooklyn accents with people who clearly were born on the wrong side of the tracks and a little bit of money and you have one heck of a show. They’re loud, obnoxious and dying to be photographed for the society section of the paper. Love fest 2007!!!!

Now we move to the Atlanta season. One word, one syllable – WOW. That’s really all I can say. Five women living in Atlanta and a very clear depiction of their lives. I’d like to dissect it for you now.

NeNe (pronounced knee-knee)
NeNe lives in the Sugarloaf area of Atlanta. Her home is nothing to write home about – nice, sure, but not jaw dropping. She is, by far, the most fun of the wives this season. NeNe has a typical story. She was born poor, doesn’t know who her father is, married a guy who eventually got into real estate, made a little money, and is now entitled to everything around her. She’s as elegant and classy as Cloris Leachman with 6 martinis in her. All in all, NeNe is funny, loud, obnoxious and clearly jealous of the other housewives.

DeShawn lives in Alpharetta – just north of Atlanta. Her husband is a long-time member of some basketball team. They have recently built their 15,000 square feet dream home. DeShawn’s “catch phrase” she uses a lot is, “I always knew I was destined for greatness.” Greatness, of course, is translated to mean – have a lot of money. She clearly is new money and tries to act FAR more elegant than her roots allow. She feels like she needs an “executive staff.” This staff includes a chef, estate manager, cleaning crew, personal assistant and….someone else. She “just can’t do it” without her staff. She only has two children. She’s in the process of interviewing this staff. Her first question is – “What do you know about myself?”
I need stop here for a second. Using the word “myself” does not make you sound more affluent, elegant, refined or intelligent. In fact, using it inappropriately makes you sound like a moron – much like DeShawn. I promise you, there’s nothing wrong with using “me.” It’s a simple word but for some reason people think it’s usually incorrect. It’s not! “I made this dinner for Sarah and me.” – correct. “What do you know about me?” – correct. “Can you give the answer to me?” – correct. Moving on…
DeShawn in very proud of herself. She also enjoys saying “she always knew she was gonna be somebody” – because, obviously, if you don’t have money, you’re nobody, right?

Lisa lives in Duluth in a country club. She has a very nice home – as she is a realtor. She is ultra high-energy and everything revolves around her “making money” as she likes to state. She is also married to a professional athlete – and NFL player I believe. She tries to justify everything in her life by basing where she is now as direct reflection of having been in a bad marriage. She actually said that she deserves to live the life she has because of her previous marriage. I think money makes people delusional. Nonetheless, she’s a useless character on the show. She owns a realty company and last night’s episode showed us giving a presentation to a builder. Here’s how she started it: “You’re probably wondering what makes Hartwell and Associates different….well let me tell you.” Lisa, could you find a more unoriginal opening??? Try harder my friend.

Sheree (pronounced shir-ray)
She lives is in Sandy Springs. Annoying is an understatement. Formerly married to an NFL player. She keeps saying “I’m in the middle of a divorce and I’m wanting a lump sum……some seven figures.” I mean, seven figures could only be a million dollars – don’t get too proud yet. She of course, like every other entitled wannabe fashionista, is starting her own fashion line. She’s very rude. She has her own PR person…..for herself. Not kidding. She also has a personal assistant to whom she speaks as if she’s the formerly cracked-out, Whitney Houston. You know what I mean….a lot of staring, speaking lowly but quickly with a lot of attitude….oh and a ton of eye rolling. She and NeNe hate each other. She clearly has false teeth because her lips are always getting stuck on them – which is funny.

Kim, Kim, Kim…..where do I start. Lives in Duluth in an “exclusive” townhouse community. She has more blonde weave in her head than a factory can produce in a month. She is single but seeing “Big Poppa”. You see, BP is a “celebrity” who wants to remain namless and a mystery. Translated – he’s still married. And he pays for the exclusive townhouse to hide her away. She just spent $18,000 on her 11 year old daughter’s birthday. She bought her two Louis Vuitton handbags and a Louis Vuitton watch. Not sure why an 11 year old needs that. It’s insane. Oh, and she also wants to be a country music singer. I loved a preview from last night where her vocal coach told her “you don’t know what you’re doing.” This woman is a self proclaimed label-aholic. She only buys very high-end labels. Not high-end like Marc Jacobs, but high-end like Dior. Her famous quote is “I could die today, if I do, I’m gonna die in Dior.” The thing is, she looks kinda like a man. Ok, she really looks like a man. A tranny even. She has SO MUCH DRAMA in her life because her friends don’t get along. Give me a break lady! She is a train wreck and a reflection of greed and materialism.

I can’t wait for next week!!!!!!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Words and Phrases

This is a list of words and/or phrases that I hope to never hear for many, many, many, years:
  • Pundits
  • Senate-speak
  • Maverick
  • Bipartisan
  • Dependence on foreign oil
  • Obama
  • Change
  • Barack
  • Worst financial crisis since the Great Depression
  • Bail out
  • Obama
  • Biden
  • Cross party lines
  • irregardless
  • Nancy Pelosi