It's almost been two years since you came into our lives (and by OUR I mean Mom, Dad, and ME.) I remember Mom and Dad telling me all about you and how sweet you would be, how little, how dainty, how loving.
You used to really freak me out when you would cry. I would totally run around in a panic and eventually find solace under one of the ottomans in the living room. (I mean, what was with all the crying???) Anyway, Mom and Dad's focus totally changed.
There were always people over here but no one really wanted to see me. They all came to see you and to be honest, I never thought you were really going to stay around because you didn't really look like Mom and Dad, but instead, you looked very similar to the man who owned Yum's in Pensacola (with the best General Tso's chicken in the world - so I hear.)
But you stayed and that was fine. However, can I just say to you that I once ruled this house. I used to go on trips and get presents ALL THE TIME. Now, the gifts I get are "new beds," "designer food," and "nail clippers."
So, I've made a decision and I'm going to let you stay here for a while longer. However, I have a few requests I'd like to make just to ensure the future is is bright.
1) Please, for the love of all things good and holy, when you "hug" me, can it not be a Full Nelson? I mean, you weigh more than me now and you're freakishly strong so just ease up a bit - k?
2) I KNOW. I GET IT. I had my one and only accident in Mom and Dad's house a few weeks ago. Why do you have to constantly remind me about it? It was by the door, I had to go. But all the screaming, "No, no, no Lilly!!!" and accusatorily pointing at me and then at "the spot" just really brings me down. IT WAS A MONTH AGO FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. What are you an elephant?
3) That car you have....yeah, the one with the Disney princesses that plays that awful music.....yeah, it's gotta go. I can no longer be a moving target for you while you go flying across the house like Mario Andretti. It's not fair and I won't stand for it.
4) I know you've probably noticed that when you run toward me my ears go back and I start to look really nervous. Well, there's good reason for that. Sometimes when you grab my ears and scream, "Lilly face, Lilly face, Lilly face" at me I don't really know what to do. I mean, they're my ears, not my face and not to mention you have a grip like a vice. Please stop.
5) And while we're on the subject, completely lying on me like a blanket is no longer permissible. You hurt dude. Then you start the death roll which usually ends up in me yelping and accidentally scratching you in the face which makes you start to cry like a little baby and then Mom and Dad look at me and sometimes raise their voice because apparently they've been fooled to think that you are the only one that matters here. So enough already.
6) Feedings. Yes, I eat in the mornings at the same time you do. Will you please leave my Salmon and Sweet Potato alone??? It's all I get. All day. Not you, so get out my space! And don't think I didn't see you nab a piece the other day when you threw one into the kitchen so I'd run after it leaving you all alone by my bowl. You're a wiley little minx and I'm on to you. Big time.
7) I'm going to ask that during your normal feeding times if you'd start dropping a little more on the floor than you do currently. Specifically when Mom lets you eat popcorn. Dude, I love that stuff. Why are you a hoarder??? I get the occasional green bean, but this just in, NO BODY WANTS THAT.
8) My toys are my toys. Period. You have an entire room filled to the brim and I have a small basket in Mom and Dad's room and you go in there all self-righteous and just take anything you want and I'm supposed to just accept it? No ma'am. Not anymore. Please refrain from playing with my toys, AND YES, my nylon bones are MINE. Not teething chew toys for you. Cry me a river about your "two year molars" or whatever they're called.
9) You really put on a spectacle when you see me poop in the yard, and to be 100% honest, it sorta freaks me out. I need my privacy. The humidity has to be right, the dew levels have to be right, the wind has to be right, so with all that, just leave me in peace. All the gasping when I go (like I'm birthing a baby walrus) is a little over the top and unnecessary.
10) Yeah, you're "brushing technique".......not so skillful. It's called being gentle. My breed isn't known for having the "cashmere coat" for nothing. I need long flowing strokes, not staccato thirty-second notes.
I hope you understand my current list of requests. I think as long as you agree to these terms our relationship will remain peaceful.
Unless you start that chasing again. Then all bets are off and I might be forced to use my brute strength against you.
And I know where you sleep.
With love from your sister,