Monday, May 11, 2009


I wanted to do a weekend wrap-up, but that sounded too cheesy and a little boring. INSTEAD, I’m just going to post some random and moderately-disturbing thoughts running through my head. Let ‘s get started, shall we?

1) Why did the meat market manager look at me like I just asked him if they had ground hippopotamus when I asked him if they had 95% lean beef? He actually looked at me and said, “have you ever heard of ground turkey?” I mean, I’m so sorry that I stopped you from counting all your meat to ask a simple question about lean beef. Is lean beef good? No. I would much rather have 85%, but because I don’t want to die of a heart attack, we buy the 95% lean. I think it meets a psychological need for me. Did he have to be so rude? Geeze.

2) Our trainer wants us to drink Apple Cider Vinegar before every major meal. I have tried it. It makes me want to kill myself. Here’s the thing, it helps with digestion and a bunch of other stuff. And by “helps with digestion,” I mean, you better be really good friends with the public restroom facility nearest you. This is where I have a problem. I can’t. I just can’t. For starters, the entire restroom at my office is tile. There’s an echo people!!!

3) Ramona from The Real Housewives of New York could be the most brilliant thing on the planet. If, of course, that planet only contains two living things: Ramona and a potted plant. Kuh-dooze Ramona!

4) Why do shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Brothers & Sisters toy with my heartstrings so much? Is Izzy going to die? Will Kitty and Robert officially separate? (I guess I won’t be surprised if they do. The gossip sites all say that he’s a total diva, er, divo on the set. You’re just Rob Lowe and you have that weird lip thing that makes me crazy. Don’t get too big for your britches.)

5) While Sarah and I were at lunch, we saw an outfit that made us reminisce. The crochet short-sleeve sweater, layery thing. Sarah said she had one in 7th grade. Then she told me about body suites which apparently are like adult-sized onesies. Then I became even more sad.

6) Mother’s Day Lunch = total disaster. In attendance: My Mother, Father, Grandmothers, Brother, Sister-in-Law, Nephew, Niece, Wife, Daughter. Celie = total meltdown. Meal = over two hours. Service = a lot of purple eye shadow and clearly irritated.

7) One of my co-workers bought me my own bottle of anti-bacterial hand sanitizer. Nothing says, “stop making a special trip just to come mooch off of my anti-bacterial had sanitizer” than that.

8) I have made two people dry heave today over my telling of a story about skin tags and their removal.

9) My mother wants to inflict physical harm on me because I can at times be a little too much to deal with (even if it is a joke!!!!)

10) I promised Sarah I would dust tonight. I’d actually rather talk about skin tags – or even eat one.

11) Why is my daughter giving me “the bird” in this photo? What is my mother teaching her? Please pray for her.