Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
- My wool trousers are wrinkled
- I can't eat pork tenderloin another night
- My garage is dirty
- Why can't my driveway be paved
- How are there still Styrofoam peanuts all over my yard
- My yard isn't healthy
- My wireless Internet is slow
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
*****LONG AND RAMBLY ALERT
LEAVE NOW IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT*****
I have two things to talk about today.
1. The fact that I’m about to start my period.
2. Why I choose to reason with a 22 month old.
So I’m about to start my period. You know how I know? I can’t stop eating. I mean, seriously. I
It’s like I’m a caged animal who was just dropped off at the nearest Golden Corral. Or Ryan’s. Or Pizza Hut (for the lunch buffet – yum.) I don’t know what my problem is. I’m almost concerned. After dinner last night, I could have seriously eaten an entire pan of homemade Rice Krispy Treats. And I’m not even going to tell you what all I consumed on Monday because it’s just plain embarrassing. But let me just say, it was a lot. I mean, a lot. It almost makes me tired from just thinking about it. My poor body. What am I doing to it?
I’ve also been a little moody and high-strung. My other two classic symptoms. Sarah hates the week before my period. Although, I don’t really recall what happens when I’m actually “on” my period since I’m not a girl, but whatever. I still have one and I’m not afraid to admit it.
I ate an “everything” bagel this morning and I could easily go to McDonalds right now and order two sausage biscuits. But that would be so horrible. I would never do that on a Wednesday. However, tomorrow is another day.
I also have been having major facial breakouts. Which is annoying. Because I’m thirty. But my face is so oily. I won’t get into it here, but let me tell you……there won’t be many wrinkles in this face in ten more years because of my oil issue.
And the fact that I have a fat face.
I don’t know why I have such oily skin, but I do. I don’t think either of my parents have oily skin. Lord knows my mother doesn’t. I don’t know. The point is, I’ve been breaking out and it’s annoying, but once again, a sign of my impending period. Not to mention I just said I wasn’t going to talk about this but did anyway.
Maybe this is my period. Maybe all these issues are my period since I’m all……you know…..a guy. And not a girl. Who actually has one. Whatever. I’m done with this topic now.
I haven’t truly figured out why I try to reason with my sweet little daughter. I think it’s because she’s so agreeable. You know, she answers “OK” to everything I ask her so I think she’s ready for logic and reasoning. Some of the things I find myself reasoning with her about are completely ridiculous and later I start laughing because I’m so out of control. I’ll list some specific examples here:
1. This morning while I was changing her, she pointed at my ring and said, “Daddy’s ring.” And I said, “That’s right Celie, that is Daddy’s wedding ring. You know what that means? It means that Daddy is married to Mommy forever and ever……..well, unless Mommy cheats on Daddy then Daddy will really have to think about the future, but if that happened I think it’s safe to say that you would come live with me, ok?”
Celie’s response, “OK.”
2. A couple nights ago, Celie was playing like a maniac in her room. She has this little art table that is plastic and sortof “grows with you.” It eventually becomes an easel at its last stage. I tell you that because it’s not like a sturdy solid wood table. I mean, it’s sturdy, but Sarah doesn’t need to stand on it to do her dances like she does in the dining room - but I digress. So anyway, Celie started to climb on top of it (a bad habit she’s picked up recently) and I said to her, “Celie, you don’t get on top of that table, ok? You could fall off and hurt yourself, or worse, you could fall and break your arm and we’d have to rush you over to the emergency room where you’d be in a lot of pain and I don’t think I could deal with that, ok?”
Celie’s response, “OK.”
3. Celie was eating dinner. When she’s hungry she eats like she’s never seen food. Ever. Sometimes she crams all the food in her mouth which totally sends me to my unhappy place. Mainly because choking is now my #1 fear (it moved up the ladder when Autism, pediatric cancer, brain development issues and having the organs on the outside of her body were all ruled out.) By the way, that last sentence is not a joke. I seriously obsessed about all of those issues for nine months and am in no way mocking those conditions. So anyway, anytime she crams food in mouth, I get all tense and almost break out in hives waiting for her to choke. So when she performed this little trick last week I said to her, “Celie, I need you to not cram all that food in your mouth. You could get choked and I would have to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on you, which I probably couldn’t do because I would be hysterical and then you die right in front of me and Mommy and Daddy would be devastated and really wouldn’t know how to go on with life without you in it, so I need you to only bite off what you need and chew it up, ok?”
Celie’s response, “OK.”
She’s so agreeable. I love it.
Now someone pass me my Xanex.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Work hard and be responsible for yourself!
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.” Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses, bringing the rest of the free world with it.
Monday, November 30, 2009
I think I gained 15 pounds over the weekend.
Riddle me this: Why is it almost more exhausting to go away for the holiday than just normal daily routine? Oh right…….that’s because Celie is now involved.
We had a lovely Thanksgiving, a low-key one, but lovely. We also had a limited menu because Sarah’s parents had to work the day before and after Thanksgiving and they work 12-hour shifts. Our menu was: Turkey, Dressing, Green Bean Casserole, Sweet Potatoes, Crescent Rolls (or Cru-sahnts as my MIL, Joy likes to call them), Pecan Pie and Pumpkin Pie (thank you Joy for “making those” – they were superb.)
I have to stop here because I’m laughing at the thought of this. You may remember THIS POST about Joyisms. Yes, she has a way with words. I have a new one to add to the mix and I’d like to share it now.
Joy, like my own mother, is a master gravy maker. I am not. When we got the turkey out of the roaster all the delicious drippings were left over. I strained them out leaving a pure, smooth turkey stock (from a dry brine thank you very much – and thank you Williams Sonoma.) So, after the straining, Joy begins to work her magic on the gravy and we begin talking about all things gravy at this point. Phil (Sarah’s dad) is sitting at the bar licking his lips, dying to taste-test something…..just ANYTHING – (I believe that was an exact quote.) Phil says to me:
“I guess your family isn’t big gravy people???”
(Pardon me while I belly laugh at this)
“HA! Oh yes, they are very serious about their gravy. My dad won’t even eat rice or potatoes without it. They are big giblet gravy people too, but I don’t make that because I’m not crazy about it.”
“Oh, do they put all the entrails and egg in it too?”
“Yep, I think they totally do.”
Joy: “That’s what I used to eat growing up, but I’ve never been a big fan of Lizards.”
(Matthew looking at Phil very confused)
Matthew: “Ummmm, Lizards????”
Joy: “Yeah, I just don’t eat that stuff.”
(Well, who does really?)
Matthew: “Do you mean gizzards????”
(Phil shaking his head and holding in a laugh)
Joy: “Oh yes….gizzards.”
The fun never stops.
So, we had a great meal and pretty much passed out afterward except the monkey that we found on the side of the road (Celie) was as crazy as a sprayed roach. After some serious lounging, the debate started as to whether we should go black Friday shopping at midnight at the outlets, aka, Heaven.
I mean, have we become those people?
Yes. We have.
So, as all normal people do, Sarah and I went to sleep at 7:00 and woke up at 11:00 to get ready and go. It was so cold, but I was all like, “No one is going to be there. We’ll just zip in and zip out.”
HA! Joke’s on you fat boy!
Not only were there a lot of people out, but we had to park across highway 98 in the back of a grocery store parking lot. As we sprinted across the street freezing our whoo-whoo’s off, my eyes could not believe the amount of people.
Some people in PJ’s, some dressed to the nines, some clearly just escaped from prison and then there was us. Shorts, flip-flops and a sweat shirt. I was dying. However, it was all worth it because at the end of the day, I got a pair of $225 shoes for $85 and three shirts that would have been $175 for $90!!!!
Sarah got an amazing deal on a Cricut the next day, but I’m sure she’s going to blog about that.
The best part? Whataburger at 3:00 am.
No, not a burger and fries thank you very much.
A taquito and sausage, egg and cheese biscuit (which could have been the best one I’ve ever had.)
We made it back home, fell asleep and got up and left at 7:00 the next morning for more deals.
Christmas shopping is over!!!
Except a gift for my dad who is by virtue, the most difficult person to shop for because he gives you NOTHING TO GO BY. Not a hint, a clue, or an idea.
My mom says to get him nothing until he tells you.
Hope you had a wonderfully, happy Thanksgiving like we did!!!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Rhobie: I didn't tell you what I did
Rhobie: I went running last friday night
Rhobie: and ran right by my hair guy who I've been cheating on
Rhobie: and of course he saw my hair
Rhobie: and he yelled hi
Rhobie: and I yelled hi and kept running
Rhobie: and it was so awkward and I didn't know if I should stop and over explain (as you know I do)
Rhobie: or just keep running
Rhobie: how awful
Rhobie: and so
Rhobie: I thought about it and stressed about it my whole run
Matthew: you and C-note are over
Rhobie: of course
Rhobie: and so
Rhobie: when I got home I immediately sent him an email
Rhobie: over explaining how I have been cheating on him
Rhobie: but it's not him
Rhobie: it's me
Rhobie: and I just needed a fresh set of hands but I'll be back
Matthew: you cannot be serious
Rhobie: and on and on
Rhobie: Oh I am serious
Matthew: you sent him an email
Rhobie: dead serious
Matthew: did he respond?
Rhobie: he did
Rhobie: he told me I was "too cute"
Rhobie: and I did not need to worry
Matthew: except when he screws you up next time
Rhobie: and he personally felt that it was good for clients to "take a vacation"
Rhobie: and that everything is good
Rhobie: and so now
Rhobie: I feel much better
Rhobie: I am at peace
Matthew: well, glad that's over
Rhobie: I know
Rhobie: me too
Matthew: so, you're going back to him?
Matthew: you're over your "short cut girl?"
Rhobie: no no
Rhobie: I am going to her again
Matthew: I see
Rhobie: but I'll probably go to him again in the next round or 2
Matthew: well all I can say is "that was a tough one."
Matthew: I mean
Matthew: the recession and if we get to keep our jobs or not is NOTHING compared to a "run by" viewing of your new hair by your old stylist who didn't cut your new hair.
Matthew: I'm drinking coffee by the way
Matthew: at this moment
Rhobie: I am so glad you drink coffee
Matthew: are you?
Matthew: there are several people who are
Matthew: I feel like I'm being peer pressured into doing something I know is wrong
Rhobie: that's how you should feel
Matthew: oh good
Matthew: then I'm on target
Rhobie: you are
Matthew: I feel almost like I just bought a dozen doughnuts and am hiding them in my office
Matthew: but I don't think I should feel that way
Rhobie: no coffee is so much better than that
Matthew: because I use splenda now
Rhobie: it keeps you skinny
Matthew: so does crack
Rhobie: it also reduces cellulite
Rhobie: and you can use the grinds as an exfoiliator
Matthew: I don't think I have any cellulite
Rhobie: oh fine
Rhobie: be like that
Matthew: how can I use spelnda as an exfoliator?
Matthew: oh oh oh
Matthew: coffee grounds
Matthew: that stuff is nasty
Rhobie: (but I might have made that up)
Rhobie: I just like to think of all the good things that coffee can do for you
Matthew: because it's all mushy and gross
Rhobie: but it's rough
Rhobie: like exfoilator
Matthew: I can't wait to purchase it from a coffee chain store
Matthew: like I'm a regular
Matthew: getting it from the bagel shop has made my learning so much easier
Rhobie: that's true
Matthew: so now when I go to Dunkin Doughnuts, I'll just be like, "large with cream and splenda."
Rhobie: is that light and sweet?
Rhobie: or is that something else
Rhobie: what does light and sweet mean
Matthew: omg - is that an option???
Matthew: I have no idea
Rhobie: it is
Matthew: now I'm stressed
Rhobie: people go to Dunk and order a large coffee light and sweet
Matthew: I'm glad you told me
Rhobie: I think you could do that and say "large light and sweet with splenda"
Matthew: we should ask Doug
Matthew: he goes all the time
Matthew: to DD
Rhobie: oh really?
Matthew: doesn't he?
Rhobie: i dont know
Matthew: well great.
Matthew: now I'm screwed
Rhobie: no no
Rhobie: we'll find out