Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Clinically Insane, Party of One.



I have two things to talk about today.

1. The fact that I’m about to start my period.

2. Why I choose to reason with a 22 month old.

So I’m about to start my period. You know how I know? I can’t stop eating. I mean, seriously. I




It’s like I’m a caged animal who was just dropped off at the nearest Golden Corral. Or Ryan’s. Or Pizza Hut (for the lunch buffet – yum.) I don’t know what my problem is. I’m almost concerned. After dinner last night, I could have seriously eaten an entire pan of homemade Rice Krispy Treats. And I’m not even going to tell you what all I consumed on Monday because it’s just plain embarrassing. But let me just say, it was a lot. I mean, a lot. It almost makes me tired from just thinking about it. My poor body. What am I doing to it?

I’ve also been a little moody and high-strung. My other two classic symptoms. Sarah hates the week before my period. Although, I don’t really recall what happens when I’m actually “on” my period since I’m not a girl, but whatever. I still have one and I’m not afraid to admit it.

I ate an “everything” bagel this morning and I could easily go to McDonalds right now and order two sausage biscuits. But that would be so horrible. I would never do that on a Wednesday. However, tomorrow is another day.

I also have been having major facial breakouts. Which is annoying. Because I’m thirty. But my face is so oily. I won’t get into it here, but let me tell you……there won’t be many wrinkles in this face in ten more years because of my oil issue.

And the fact that I have a fat face.

I don’t know why I have such oily skin, but I do. I don’t think either of my parents have oily skin. Lord knows my mother doesn’t. I don’t know. The point is, I’ve been breaking out and it’s annoying, but once again, a sign of my impending period. Not to mention I just said I wasn’t going to talk about this but did anyway.

Maybe this is my period. Maybe all these issues are my period since I’m all……you know…..a guy. And not a girl. Who actually has one. Whatever. I’m done with this topic now.

Moving on.

I haven’t truly figured out why I try to reason with my sweet little daughter. I think it’s because she’s so agreeable. You know, she answers “OK” to everything I ask her so I think she’s ready for logic and reasoning. Some of the things I find myself reasoning with her about are completely ridiculous and later I start laughing because I’m so out of control. I’ll list some specific examples here:

1. This morning while I was changing her, she pointed at my ring and said, “Daddy’s ring.” And I said, “That’s right Celie, that is Daddy’s wedding ring. You know what that means? It means that Daddy is married to Mommy forever and ever……..well, unless Mommy cheats on Daddy then Daddy will really have to think about the future, but if that happened I think it’s safe to say that you would come live with me, ok?”

Celie’s response, “OK.”

2. A couple nights ago, Celie was playing like a maniac in her room. She has this little art table that is plastic and sortof “grows with you.” It eventually becomes an easel at its last stage. I tell you that because it’s not like a sturdy solid wood table. I mean, it’s sturdy, but Sarah doesn’t need to stand on it to do her dances like she does in the dining room - but I digress. So anyway, Celie started to climb on top of it (a bad habit she’s picked up recently) and I said to her, “Celie, you don’t get on top of that table, ok? You could fall off and hurt yourself, or worse, you could fall and break your arm and we’d have to rush you over to the emergency room where you’d be in a lot of pain and I don’t think I could deal with that, ok?”

Celie’s response, “OK.”

3. Celie was eating dinner. When she’s hungry she eats like she’s never seen food. Ever. Sometimes she crams all the food in her mouth which totally sends me to my unhappy place. Mainly because choking is now my #1 fear (it moved up the ladder when Autism, pediatric cancer, brain development issues and having the organs on the outside of her body were all ruled out.) By the way, that last sentence is not a joke. I seriously obsessed about all of those issues for nine months and am in no way mocking those conditions. So anyway, anytime she crams food in mouth, I get all tense and almost break out in hives waiting for her to choke. So when she performed this little trick last week I said to her, “Celie, I need you to not cram all that food in your mouth. You could get choked and I would have to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on you, which I probably couldn’t do because I would be hysterical and then you die right in front of me and Mommy and Daddy would be devastated and really wouldn’t know how to go on with life without you in it, so I need you to only bite off what you need and chew it up, ok?”

Celie’s response, “OK.”

She’s so agreeable. I love it.

Now someone pass me my Xanex.