BIG NEWS!

I have major news.

I mean, this is serious.

I have just completed my third consecutive day of having coffee in the morning.

And I feel like my heart could explode at any given moment.

I’ve never been a coffee drinker. Ever. I think it all stems from my issues with hot beverages. I generally don’t like them. I mean, I don’t want liquid fire sitting on my tongue. It’s just not pleasant to me. Hot chocolate? Nope. But I’ll take a nice lukewarm chocolate please!

As a sidenote, I feel the same way about soup.

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel a little more sophisticated with my new-found love of coffee. Except, my unfamiliarity is totally broadcasted when I prepare it. You know what I mean. Hardcore, serious coffee drinkers take no time to prepare their coffee. They put in like one pack of equal and a splash of cream. A quick stir and they’re off the office. Me? Not so much.

A half cup of cream and twelve packets of sugar later, I’m still all….”hmmmmm, it’s just not right. Maybe it needs more cream?” Meanwhile, the other patrons are looking at me disapprovingly, like, “He clearly just started drinking yesterday.”

I may as well get some flavored syrup (or a shot as they call it) added in.

But that would be silly because I’m a serious coffee drinker now.

So yes, it looks like I’m a chemist when I’m preparing my coffee – sue me. Then the fun part comes. I get to walk around town and my office with the fancy take-out coffee cup with the cute, branded, cardboard, slip-cover thing on the cup. I’m guessing this is because the cup is hot to the touch? I feel fancy with this, like I’m “one of the in-crowd now.”

Most people in my office parade around with their porcelain mugs or stainless travel mugs. Nope. Not me. I feel like that dates you a little. Sorta like Ugg boots.

I need to stop here and talk about Ugg boots. I don’t get them. They have to be the most grossly unattractive shoe(?) in the entire world. And no, I don’t care that they’re Australian. They’re ugly. So very ugly. So very, “I’m a lady, yet a lumberjack, and I wear flannel, unless I’m wearing a short denim skirt with leggings, Ugg boots and a vest.”

Puke.

So anyway, I feel like the actual “mug” dates you. Sorta like you’ve worked here for at least twelve years. These are the same people who keep their mugs on their desks and I would almost bet there’s a ring at the bottom of the mug from old coffee that just doesn’t get rinsed out very well.

I don’t want to be that person.

I want to be trendy Starbucks boy. Except I DO NOT want to be, nor feel it necessary to be, the person who spends $9.00 on a coffee drink. Did I think I would probably love the pumpkin spice latte? BY ALL MEANS!!! But frankly, I don’t know what a latte is…..and how it differs from actual coffee. Plus I feel like all those drinks are full of unnecessary calories (but that theory is mostly based on those refrigerated Starbucks drinks that came out some time ago that look like they taste like a Yahoo.)

So who really knows.

I could totally be off-base.

What I’m asking you all is a simple question.

Where do I start? I’ve been doing just basic coffee with a little cream and three packets of sugar (true story.) Is there something else I should try? Is there something that has more benefits? Is there something that is just as yummy lukewarm?

Help me, but first, congratulate me on coming to the darkside!!!

But by darkside I do not mean blackside as in my coffee is black like my grandmothers drink it because that would be disgusting.

By the way, I’m already struggling with coffee breath. Any tips on that?