Skinny People Suck

Pardon the title, but they do. In fact, if you are a skinny person, chances are I hate you. I have several skinny friends. Perhaps I should start referring to them as frenemies? It’s not that I hate YOU. It’s that I hate your body. I hate it out of jealousy. Does that help?

I work with a lot of skinny people. Wait, wait, wait. Not here in Port St. Joe because that would be ludicrous! I mean, there are literally five people in my entire office who are skinny and of those five, only about 2 are “fit.” Trust me, people here can’t tear away from their BBQ long enough to loose a little weight. Not to mention the fried chicken from the deli counter at the Piggly Wiggly – which is a complete and utter instrument of the devil.

Here’s the thing, if you’re a friend of mine or Sarah’s (or in the rare event both of ours) you know that we have made a SIGNIFICANT lifestyle change. We have both joined Weight Watchers and are both exercising. We’re doing this for a multitude of reasons. I’ll list them here:

1. For our daughter. No, no, no, she doesn’t need to join WW. We just want to have a great, active life with her.
2. For our family. Hopefully as motivation for them to join us. We both love our families so, so much and thankfully we both love our in-laws too. We want them to be healthy and stay around with us for a long, long time (or until I have to sequester them to a nursing home where they play Bingo and listen to Burl Ives all day.)
3. For ourselves. I’m so excited to be in a size 34 pant I can hardly stand it. I haven’t seen a 34 pant since I was in fourth grade. Kidding! But it’s been a super long time. I have a love of nice clothes, so I can’t wait to see them on my new body.
4. For inspiration. I mentioned this in number two for family, but if we can motivate or encourage someone else to get up and get healthy, that would be great. I don’t think I’ve ever motivated anyone to do anything and if someone were to say that I motivated them to change their life….well, I might break down in tears.

Ok, so you get the picture, right? We’ve done it. We’ve committed. We’re into this. So we’ve been exercising for a while. Nothing scheduled or rigorous. We’ve been taking extra steps to “move” as WW likes to say. I walk to lunch everyday. If I have to run an errand, I walk. Stuff like that. UNTIL TODAY.

We started this running program. I’ll let those of you who know me pick yourselves up off the ground from laughing now. Yes, a running program. We have a schedule for six out of every seven days of the week for eight weeks. At the end of that eight weeks, we are supposed to be able to run for a continuous thirty minutes (we’ll see about that) – each daily walk-run is a thirty minute routine. It’s a walk-run program so I feel a little better about this. Well, we actually were very successful today. We did the entire thing down to the minute. I felt good about it and so did Sarah.

So back to the reason I hate all you skinny people – I was explaining this running program to a guy at work (again, not in Port St. Joe) and of course, being a skinny person he had a comment to make. These are the comments that make me hate you all. He said, “Yeah, I really need to start running again. I’ve got to get about ten pounds off before summer.”

I’ll now give you thirty seconds to think of how quickly I wanted to reach through the phone and literally beat him to death. I mean, how smarmy. You see, if you people wouldn’t act so “holier than thou” about weight, I probably wouldn’t hate you (so much.) But you all have to say crap like this all the time. Of course, every skinny person has done the running program – AND THEY’LL LET YOU KNOW IT TOO. They’ve all done kick-boxing, Pilates, Yoga, Yogalates, the 5K, the 10K, the half marathon. You’re never going to do something a skinny person has never done. They’ve done it all, and by the way, they used to do it all the time, they’re just in a little slump right now and they feel so badly that they’re five pounds heavier than normal. I have a place in mind where you can all go, if you catch my drift?

I’m now going to list phrases or comments made by you skinny people and the reaction it got from me:

“Oh, gosh, well I haven’t been to McDonalds is probably two years.” – HA! Well, I haven’t been in approximately 36 hours so what you got now lady??? I literally wanted to strap this girl to the floor and force feed her chicken McNuggets and Big Macs. (oooooh, chicken nuggets sound delicious, don’t they?)

“I cannot believe that I ate an entire bagel today!” – Ummm, are you trying to make me vomit my sausage, egg and cheese biscuit?

“I never ever want the inseam of my pants to be smaller than my waist size.” – I never ever want to find you alone in a dark alley because if I did, after I was done eating my bucket of fried chicken, you would get told!!!

“I hate that all they ever have to eat in the office are doughnuts and pastries. Can’t someone bring some bran muffins or granola?” – What are you a freaking hamster?? Granola and BRAN MUFFINS? What delusional state of mind do you live in where you crave bran muffins?

“I’m not stepping into a pool until I get these love handles taken care of.” – Oh really? That’s nice because I’m not stepping into a pool as to not show a recreation of Moses parting the red seas thank you very little.

You see, it’s all very simple. You skinny people keep your little comments to yourselves and maybe, just maybe, we’ll be able to stay friends. It’s doubtful, but I’ll certainly make an effort.

Now, if I could just catch the latest stomach bug………