Who Are You?

I happen to love Pottery Barn. Ok, I love everything except for the fact that it is really overpriced for cheaply made furniture, but I've never purchased furniture from PB so I really can't use that as a reason not to love them can I? Anyway, I love them. We get their magazines for PB and PB Kids. Let me just say, I would never pay their price for some of that kid stuff and the people who do need to get off their high horse and stop playing "keeping up with the joneses."

So what do I love more than looking at goods and ideas in the catalogs? Looking at the personal touches. STAY WITH ME HERE! I love to see what has been written on the calendars or on the to-do lists or on the refrigerator shopping list. According to the stagers at PB, the average family's calender should look something like this:

Feb 1 - Order invitations for dinner party (because they're probably so broke they can't pay their phone bill because they're ordering dinner party invitations)
Feb 4 - Dad leaves for Tokyo (every upper-middle class bread winner works abroad - duh!)
Feb 8 - Wine and cheese party at the Smiths
Feb 9 - Lolita's dance recital (or whatever other name is ultra trendy at the moment)
Feb 12 - Tennis lessons with Drake at "the club" (and they always use the quotes)
Feb 14 - Dinner at (enter French Bistro name here) - 7:00 PM
Feb 20 - Shopping with the girls
Feb 21 - Book tickets to Aspen
Feb 22 - Cancel hot stone massage
Feb 23 - Buy standing rib roast for dinner party
Feb 25 - Order flower arrangement for dinner party

My question is......Who are you? Who is the person who has this life? I know, I know, it's the same lady that vacuums the house in wool gabardine trousers, a cashmere cardigan set, grandmother's pearls and patent pumps. She has perfect hair, perfect makeup and perfect kids named Chauncey and Abigail.

So, my absolute favorite thing about PB is looking at these stupid details. Wanna know the second? Looking at the titles of the books and magazines they decorate with. Let me stop and say how OVER the use of books as decorative accessories I am. However, I love to look at their titles. It's always crap like:

• The Louvre
• Dali
• Post Modernists
• Fashion of Coco Chanel
• Yachts and Other Things Rich People Own
• Botticelli and the other great Italian Artists

It sorta makes me crazy. Can't you just picture yourself in your local SAM's Club. "Hey Honey, there's that new coffee table book about all the works of Botticelli. Wanna get it to add to the collection or should we just stick to the list and buy diapers and chicken?" It's so annoying to me.

I've decided these people do not exist. Perhaps they do, but I don't know any of them. If you're my friend and you think you're one of these people and are now a tiny bit irritated that I said I didn't know any of them, get over yourself.

If you are this person or clean your house this way, please leave a comment and tell me. I know you're probably too busy with your riding lessons to look at web blogs, but please let me know you're out there. Otherwise, there's about 350 gay men working for PB who are really upset right about now.